Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Good and (more importantly) FREE Video Games on the Old Internet...

I'm a cheap man. I am a cheap-ass fucking guy. I love playing video games, but I don't like spending my geldt on that shit. The last game I spent money on was Suikoden III which wikipedia tells me was released in 2002, so I haven't spent money on video games in a full 10 years now.

That's why when there's free video games to be had, I'm all over them like a crazy man. Free is my favorite four letter word. I think what I like best about free games is that I don't have to pay for them. The following are the best free games I've played on in the last while...

Mega Man versus Street Fighter

Mega Man is fun. For his 25th anniversary Capcom made a new-old-school style Mega Man where he fights Street Fighter guys.

If you play it please do it in the following boss order (it will help you win the day): Dhalsim -> Blanka -> Rose -> Rolento -> Urien (he's hard but his stage music is nice and catchy though) -> Ryu -> Chun-Li -> C. Viper. There's more levels after this but I haven't beat them yet, I died at Vega just now and got angry, started swearing like a little child, and switched to writing this blog thing.

Mega Man

Rating: 7/10

Play it: http://www.capcom-unity.com/mega_man/
(the website might be slow because millions of geeks are probably getting this free shit right now)

Abobo's Big Adventure

Abobo was the big tough guy (and sub-boss/jabroni-boss/green-boss) in the Double Dragon games. Here he finally gets the spotlight in his own game where he has to save his son (aptly named Abo-boy).

If you're a fan of the old NES then this game will feel like home for you. Abobo makes his way through Double Dragon, Zelda, freakin' Balloon Fight, that wrestling game with the lizard man from Brazil, Mega Man, Super Mario, Contra, Kung Fu, Punch Out, and...Urban Champion (yeah Urban Champion).

Abobo is not presented as an anti-hero though, Abobo is a hero-hero. He saves his son and...well, I don't want to spoil it...but the ending is very touching in an emotional and free way. 

This game was a collaboration from I-Mock, Pesto Force, and Pox Box. I-Mock would have had another game listed in this entry, a game they made where Ivan Drago battled his way to the top (fighting dinosaurs, thugs, Rocky (in a wheel Chair)...and you could play as Apollo Creed who had a crescent energy wave super move...it was soo coool). The Drago game was ordered to be removed from the site by whoever owns the rights to the Rocky films, which sucks because that was a really well made game (and a very very FREE game to boot).  I forget what it was called and all mention of it seems to have been removed from I-Mock's site.

I love you so much Abobo, I wish we could be friends in real life...

Rating: 9.5/10

Play it: http://www.abobosbigadventure.com/

I Wanna Be the Guy

This game is about a kid who wants to be the guy. It's really hard, personally I've never made it to the end and don't really want to. It's too gimmicky. You can save your progress at almost every intreval which makes it easy, but I got tired of trying to make my way around all the traps, gave up and never went back to it. I didn't really want to be the guy, I guess. It's too gimmicky I think. I get the joke that it's funny to die in ways you didn't think you could die, but the novelty kind of wears off eventually and it just becomes boring.

I remember there was this weird-ass cat game (mostly white everywhere) that I think did the weird-ways-to-die-in-a-platformer gimmick first but I can't remember the name of that game now. Oh wait, nevermind, I searched for "cat mario" in googles and found the game, it does indeed set the tone for this gimmick indeed. (Cat Mario video: Here). Now I'm not saying "Cat Mario" or whatever it's called is better than I Wanna Be the Guy, I'm just saying the funny-ways-to-die gimmick wasn't anything particularly new.

Mike Tyson

Rating: 6.9/10

Play it: http://kayin.pyoko.org/iwbtg/

Dikembe Mutumbo's 4 1/2 weeks to Save the World

This is an ad campaign for Old Spice but it is still nice and free though. I'm not sure this is gonna get anyone to buy Old Spice products but it's a pretty decent game. When it first came out I thought it was gonna be the coolest shit but it didn't really live up to its potential.

When I first heard that Dikembe Mutumbo was providing the voice of Dikembe Mutumbo, I thought this game was going to be amazing. It wasn't exactly what I expected it to be but it's still good none-the-less. The levels are as follows: Battle Toads (The one where you go down), Donkey Kong Country, Mega Man (?), and Ikaruga. The Ikaruga one is by far the best one, it has Dikembe flying through space and shooting lazors at shitty internet memes (or "may-mays" as Dikembe pronounces it).

Now, Is he finger wagging the opposing player or the crowd in the selection screen?

Rating: 6.4/10

Play it (I think it's still up): http://www.oldspicesavestheworld.com/

Hacked Mario Games that Are too Hard for me to Beat

I take my Mario games serious. I can beat Mario 1 in about 5.5 minutes, Mario 2 in a little over 10 minutes, and Mario World in about 10 minutes. I have it down to a formula and a tee, and even tried doing it with my eyes closed with somewhat success.

4:58 !? You cracked the big 5 !?!?!
I even at one point thought I was the best at it. Until I heard about Twin Galaxies and Speed Demons Archive (reputable institutions who keep track of gaming feats of strength and records).

Turns out some guy named Andrew "The Greek Mystique" Gardikis beats these games many seconds faster than I can. Last year, The Greek Mystique even cracked the 5 minute mark in Mario 1 and beat it in 4:58. He's amazing, the way he handles the birds in 6-2 in Mario 2 for example is un-fucking-canny.

He's so good at Mario right now that he's akin to the Greek god Icarus who upon gaining his wings flew too close to the sun. No mortal man should crack the 5 minute mark in Mario 1 , Gardikis is truly flying too close to the sun at this point. You're playing with fire Gardikis! With fire!!!!

Truth be told, those games are really easy. People have made hacked versions of Mario games in recent years to increase the difficulty (Mario X, Super Talking Time Brothers, and countless INSANE Japanese ones). I like these games because they are nice and free. Here's two videos of examples to finish this article...

Wow I haven't seen this first video in a few years but looks like it's up to 25 million views now:

Hit da bloopa and inta da hole!

Kaizo Mario is really hard. I can't play it on a keyboard because you have to short hop (half press the jump button) too much, I'd have to buy a USB SNES controller to beat this and that means it wouldn't be free enough for me to play it.

Wait, one sec, hold up (edit)...

I mentioned I-Mock's Ivan Drago game that was removed by MGM pictures as being worthy of being known as both a "good and "free" game. Seems like you can still play that great game on Newgrounds though!

Ivan Drago Justice Enforcer !!!

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