Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Uh oh...Oil is on the Rise.


Sounds pretty harmless, just a set of numbers slowly rising. No big deal. But, what if, hypothetically, an entire society of people just happened to have set the whole meaning of their lives and priorities around a construct measurement?

Those numbers are the cost of crude oil per barrel.

Now I know everyone in the media, everyone on twitter, and everyone on Facebook is a geo-political expert and knows exactly what is going on in the Middle East...but you should at least consider oil price when formulating your respective opinions.

(One of a million articles from the net on oil prices and the Middle East: http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-08-26/gold-holds-gain-as-wti-climbs-japan-index-futures-drop.html)

If you read that article and didn't know what they were talking about, it's okay. It's business talk for basically...

"Oil companies and their investors are losing money because of tensions in the Middle East"

That one line sums it up, I'd say. It probably answers a lot of questions you've been having too. Questions along the lines of...why is the US and other countries only now deciding to take this bloody on-going war seriously? Sorry to reiterate but it's because...

"Oil companies and their investors are losing money because of tensions in the Middle East"

Foreign Policy

If you were wondering why after two years the western world just all of a sudden picked a side in the war in Syria, then you're not alone. The foreign policy of the western world is boiled down to one simple word...


Stability in the region keeps everyone producing crude oil in the Middle East. That one word means that oil prices will not go haywire on speculators, that oil prices will not shoot through the roof and force penny-pinching stock-jobbers to contemplate suicide, and that oil prices will remain safe and thus ease the minds of those nice friendly charlatans.

It doesn't matter who's in charge over in the Middle East, just as long as the price of oil doesn't go into triple digits. You could be named Muammar Gaddafi and declare yourself King For Life, and have a 200 billion dollar net worth while your country only has an 80 billion dollar total GDP. You and your private army can own everything that exists in the country. You can swim in a golden swimming pool while unemployment reaches 50% and your army murders hundreds of protesters....and all that would be okay with the west. No bid deal, they love that shit. As long as oil in the Middle East is not in triple digits...no one cares what you do.

You could be named Hosni Mubarak, and dictate for 30 years and when people finally want a change you can order the Supreme Council of Armed Forces to gun them down....that's okay too. Just don't let oil prices go triple digits.

Now I'm not saying all the rebel factions in these regions are good people either. They have their dark elements too. They have rival gangs who are jealous for the power these dictators have, or some are extreme religious zealots with no intelligence or reason.

The only point I'm trying to make is you can't pretend the western world gets involved in these conflicts for "justice" or "to fight the good fight" or some sort of romantic bullshit. The only reason the west will ever intervene in a conflict is to stabilize oil prices. It's literally as simple as that.

Has the West ever really Done much good with this Foreign Policy?

Does sending young men and women to fight in a struggle that doesn't concern them solely for the reason of getting oil prices under 100 really a good policy? Has declaring war on a Middle East nation ever ended well?

People who join the army aren't necessarily the most stable humans in your society. We've seen videos leaked of young kids shooting civilians or foreign reporters and then laughing about it like they were playing a video game. We've seen pictures of torture, murder, and everything else you could think of. How does contributing more violence somehow stabilize a region? If anything wouldn't it just compound the instability?

Could it possibly, not only add more instability to the region, but also threaten lives at home? Could every drone randomly dropped on an unstable region possibly create two terrorists as a by-product of that action? Could these invasions leave the unstable region with negative feelings towards the nation supposedly trying to help them? Possibly.

Also, how much does this cost taxpayers? That's another good question. I'm all for defensive military. I am perfectly fine with the government purchasing defensive vehicles to protect the nation from possible dangers. Air-to-Air planes, naval boats to patrol the shores. No problem. Those are great.

Yet, when it comes to vehicles purchased for the sole purpose of attacking a foreign nation. I wouldn't even put that in the "Defense" budget. Canada for instance almost spent 45 billion dollars on planes designed for preforming ground attacks on foreign installations. If it wasn't for a public outcry which stopped the plan...Canada would have spent 45 billion dollars of tax payer money on planes designed to attack foreign nations.

The pentagon (which has a 700 billion per year budget) spends 283 billion dollars per annum on military operations in foreign nations. Operations with the goal of stabilizing oil prices.

Again, I have no problem with a military or para-military organization conducting research and development, nor do I have a problem with military organizations spending money on civil defense. But, to use almost 300 billion per year to send kids to go to some fucking war zone just to try and make oil go under a hundred bucks a barrel is lunacy.

What's a Better Use of the Money?

If you take that 300 billion per year and invest it into research and development...specifically into perfecting and efficicating the transfer of operations from an oil-based society to a sustainable-energy-based society...you are making a sound investment. Truth is...science isn't even that far off.

If you don't have to give a fuck about whether oil is trading at 60 bucks or 120 bucks...your mind will be more at ease to start caring about stuff that isn't completely retarded.

Then again, I'm not an expert on energy or war or anything. I just like to have opinions on things sometimes.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Hard Hitting Straight Truth: Fast Food Review

Food review blogs get good hits, I'm gonna try to lure some of those hits here with some big-time tags like "MacDonald's" or "Burger King."

I am going to review the fast food chains which operate in my living area. Obviously, since these are franchises and one store might be a lot different from another one, they will differ but in general it should be mostly one and the same (that's the point of a franchise). So just two things to establish first:

A) Chains with market share and popularity in my area may not be the same in your area. For instance, there's no White Castles or In & Outs where I am...and I have chains in this area like Dagwood's and various poutine/hotdog ones that are not apparent elsewhere.

B) Franchises in terms of speed of service vary GREATLY. In big cities it's usually bang-bang, but in smaller cities the speed of service is reduced amazingly in some locations. I was in the tiny villa of Cornwall, Ontario this one time and waited almost 1 hour for fast food. When rating speed of service in fast food take into account that some far-off locales can be very understaffed and/or staffed by the Cornwall bumpkins.

Alright so here's the metrics I will be using to formulate and tally overall ratings. The following four metrics will variate from A (best) to F (worst).

1. Taste
2. Health (nutrition of the food, not the condition of the restaurant)
3. Speed
4. Price

(Weight: Taste 4, Health 2, Speed 2, Price 2...to form a total of 10 points)

The following metrics will variate only between Y and N (yes or no).

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products?
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea?
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers?

(any Y variables in these fields will give a penalty of 4 points to the overall score)

We shall break down the review into the following sections...

1. Burger Joints
2. Sandwich Joints
3. Hotdog/Poutine Joints
4. Donut/Coffee Joints
5. Arabic Joints
6. Mexican Joints
7. Asian Joints
8. Fried Chicken Joints

Also before hearing my opinions take note of my credentials...

1. I love eating, it is my passion in life.
2. In the vein of Sy Sperling...I not only eat at these locations but have worked at many of them.
3. I have a degree in Culinary Arts and am a licensed Sommelier. I know how to taste things right.

Okay, Let's Go

Okie Dokie, let's get started now.

I pledge allegiance to Macdonald's...
--Burger Joints--

The fast food realm of MacDicks, Burger Slut, Burger Chef's,
Burger King, Burger Man, 5 Guys. It is the iconic fast food outlet. The icon of "model efficiency" using cheap produce, cheap "meat", cheap labor and trying to maximize dollars by selling burgers. These vary in terms of all the variables but a common thread looks like this...

Taste: B+

Burgers, shakes, and fries do taste good. No doubt. Positive ratings throughout the burger realm. A lot of additives are used to give it the "savory" flavor as the food industry refers to it.

Health: F

Burgers, shakes, and fries are not good for you. Even the alternative items on the menu are not good for you. Don't fool yourself because you got a salad instead of fries that you're eating right.

Speed: A

Very fast...but when long lines form and only some cashes are open you will see massive slow-down very quickly.

Price: B+

Cheap meals. Though they are raising quite a bit...I remember when a trio would be like 6 bucks now I think it's close to 11.

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y

Most if not all of these burger joints use bi-product like ears, tails, and eyes smashed together into a pink slime and then re-constituted into a oblong shaped burger disk.

2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? Maybe

It is  designed to be chewed easily and make you not feeling filled...but there is a possibility MacDonald's will come out of your ass weird. (only -2 not -4 for the penalty)

3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? Y

As to why? According to this,

"Tips are not accepted as McDonald's restaurants have a team environment which is not about rewarding individuals."

Working at McShits or Burger Dump is a pretty crappy job and tips left by customers to the workers would work out on average to about 10-20 bucks extra income for employees per day at busy locations. It's so cheap and dumb to disallow what every other fucking restaurant allows. A big -4 penalty for this.

Burger Joint's Overall Score: -7/10
McDonkey's and the rest of the ilk didn't even manage to crack a ZERO. Not off to a good start.

--Sandwich Joints--

Led in market share by Subway, we see others occasionally. I mentioned Dagwood's which is a very local franchise where I live but has a good dose of locations.

Subway is headed by their face-man, Jarred, who has lots of aides.

Taste: B

Less tasty then grease-pit food but it's still very good.

Health: B

Don't let Jarred fool you...eating at Subway's regularly is by no means a healthy diet. Unless your getting some gimmicky "Healthy Veggie Mini-Cal Low-Blah-Blah-Blah" then yeah, but that will seriously handicap the taste score which is being taken from eating the good subs not the lame ones.

Speed: B

Making the food right in front of the customer doesn't let the worker cut corners to get it done faster (not that this is a bad thing mind you). Them not being able to do the things employees do behind the scenes to makes things faster reduces overall speed output.

Price: B

Not bad. It is just sandwich meat though...so it's not getting an A for making people pay like 12 bucks for a trio when it's just sandwich meat. I can make a sandwich myself at home (or in a sack lunch) pretty damn fast and well, dropping 12 bucks for these trios for something you can make yourself isn't a wise budget move. Not deserving of an A.

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y

They use the crappy cold cuts like you buy at the grocery store. It's all pink slime. Does that chunk of whatever it is they cut in front of you (ham, turkey, etc.) look like an animal? No. It's reconstituted into a chunk of bi-product.

2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? N

Barring a bad strain of something this food shouldn't give you weird shits. Maybe people with virgin palettes could have difficulty digesting the hot peppers but it's not a big deal.

3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N

Yes, it is legal for an employee to have a "tip jar", "tip cup", "tip container" or just flash some extra change near the cash to show that the customer can leave a tip. There's times I do see it at Subway and there's times I don't. It hasn't caught on too hard at this chain.

If customers even leave the really small change behind (any money piece less than a quarter), you're talking about minimum of an extra dollar or two dollars per hour worked.

Sandwich Joint's Overall Score: 1/10
They cracked zero which is a plus. It looks good compared to Burger Joints anyway.

Get the trio, guy. All Dressed.
--Hotdog/Poutine Joints--

This is very regional to my region and many aren't familiar with this variation of fast food restaurant. It is basically a grease pit which serves hot dogs and a Quebec regional culture item known as poutine. "Belle Province" leads in the market share and many competitors even use a similar name and logo (La Belle, Belle P, etc.). Another big name is Lafleur's which is a good prototypical example as well.

Taste: A

Not the hot dogs...but poutines are good. It's fries with gravy and cheese curds. The cheese curds melt with the gravy and make these cool squeaky sounds when you eat them. It's fucking good.

Sometimes cheaper places will use regular mozzerrealla and the wrong gravy. It's okay, it lowers the taste score by a grade but still acceptable. What is not acceptable is that one time at the Buffalo Bill's fast food chain...where motherfuckers put kraft processed singles in my poutine. That's retarded, yo.

For the record most of these have smoke meat available too, which is tasty, but most of the best smoke meat restaurants are sit down restaurants.

Health: F

Yo, fried and salted potato strips smothered in gravy and sprinkled with a healthy dose of big fat curd cheese is not good for you. No one needs that spelled out as to why.

Speed *S* ( Super caliber. bonus points for above A)

Fuck, son. I remember a time at many Lafleur's where they had a timer next to the cash and you'd never see it go over like 20 seconds. Getting into 30 and you'd be like..."what the fuck that's slow." Seriously, you get your hot dogs and poutine almost instantaneously at Lafleur's and variants.

Price: A

Hot dogs are like under a buck sometimes. Poutines vary greatly in price though...but for the most part eating at hd/p places is cheaper than burger joints.

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y

Hot dog meat is like the furthest thing from being legit meat.

2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? Maybe

I've been eatin' poutines since I was a little kid so my gut is used to dealing with the digestion of them. If you are new to it then maybe it will fuck your stomach up. (half penalty)

3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N

It's common if not universal in this fast food realm to see tip receptacles of all manners. There's a good receptacle at the one up nears wheres I lives. They cut a hole into the counter so the tips fall and cascade into a secret untouchable receptacle...where punks and bandits cannot swipe them whilst the cashier has momentarily diverted attention. Good idea to minimize tip theft.

Hotdog/Poutine Joint's Overall Score: 3/10 
A somewhat low final tally. Though keep in mind it is still 300% better than Sandwich Joints.

Oh Tim Hortons, my home and...
--Donut/Coffee Joints--

Americans know this realm of fast food as Dunkin Dern Dern's but in my region the market share is not even a close race. Tim Whoreton's has the god damned monopoly in this domain.

It's weird too. It's like a Canadian thing. They had this corny commercial once where like this wussy dude is traveling across Europe and they see his Canadian flag on his backpack and then everyone loves him. If you want to see the definition of sappy then search for Tim Horton's commercials and try and watch them without poking your eyes out.

The campaigns work too. You can't say bad things about this company in Canada, it's like treason. Even though it is incorporated in Delaware and had it's most growth whilst being owned by the Wendy's chain, it is still a taboo in Canada to say bad things about Tim Horton's. Why? I dunno, because it's named after a hockey player or maybe because Canadians grasp at any straw imaginable to pretend they have an identity.

Political photo ops for politicians in Tim Horton's are too common. They make Canadian voters all wet too. There's nothing more appealing to Canadian voters for a politician than getting a photo of yourself drinking Tim Horton's coffee.

MacDonald's is trying to muscle into their retail coffee market share by getting nice brown paper coffee cups and lowering it's price of coffee to as cheap as free...but you cannot wrestle away market share from Tim Horton's in Canada. It is literally ingrained into customers minds that eating at Tim Whoreton's makes you a Canadian citizen (as retarded as that sounds).

So the main thread for the ratings are taken from Tim Horton's for the following review, though most readers would probably relate better to Dunkin' Donuts (both are very similar though). It shouldn't change much in the data.

Taste: C

Very bland. There was a time when Dough Knots at Tim Whoreton's were made in a big fryer and the baker flipped them with this cool stick...now they come to the franchise frozen and it is heated by a kid in a conventional oven. They are cheap as fuck. The donuts are literally bread rolls with icing on them. You can buy better donuts at the grocery store by the the dozen for much less.

Health: C

Donuts are not a well balanced diet.

Speed: B

It's average speed.

Price: F

Look, the big morning seller while I worked at Tim Sluttons was the toast and coffee special. You can almost buy a whole loaf of bread and a whole fucking tin of coffee for the same price as this "special." In the morning before I go to work I can make coffee and toast in literally like a minute (make the coffee first, then make the toast while it brews, they should both be complete at the same time). How can anybody wait in line with their vehicle at the fucking drive-thru...as cars line up all the way into the fucking street..BLOCKING FUCKING TRAFFIC FROM USING THE ROAD...just to get their morning toast and coffee? You people are fucking retarded. Lazy lazy lazy fucking people.

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y

They use like Maple Leaf "chicken" and grocery store sandwich meat for the sandwiches...but it should also be noted like above that they cut so many corners to save money that they should get a Y just for those cheap-ass frozen bread rolls they pour chocolate on and call donuts. 

2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? N

Coffee speeds up your shits. But not necessarily in a bad way...usually in a good way. I'll give it a N variable here.

3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N

It is universally not only accepted but encouraged to tip Tim Horton's employees. You can get decent tips too if you work overnight shift because you are alone and don't need to split them up with others...and because drunk guys come in with chicks and are so used to impressing them at the bar they were just at by flashing good tips that they continue the process of impressing her while getting food after. They buy like a bagel and look at the chick...and then tip the cashier like a twenty...and the chick's all like..."wow, you're so rich and shit." Working overnight at a Whoreton's near a popular bar is decent for tips.

Donut/Coffee Joint's Overall Score: -2/10
Uh oh. Back into the negatives. That's no good. I was going to give it bonus points for making people feel Canadian...but then I thought maybe they should actually lose points for making people think a Deleware owned fast food donut shop is a reason to have civic pride in their nation.

Shish Tah Ook
--Arabic Joints--

I was surprised to see that this is also pretty regional to my area. Amir's and Basha (especially Amir's) is found almost everywhere in Montreal. I thought they were other places too but I guess not.

They make Shish-Taouk and Shwarmas. (pronounced: Shish Ta Ook and Sha-War-Mah) It's similar to gyros, souflaki, or donairs (I've seen these pita sandwiches refferred to as "donairs" in both Pittsburgh and Calgary).

Taste: A

Tastes good. They use cool vegetables too like pickled pink turnips and nice tasty sauces like garlic sauce and hummus. Hummus is like a meal in itself and it's freakin' good for you too.

They got bak-lava for desert which is a sugar delight.

Health: A

Meat, vegetables, and pita in the main unit. The sides are garlic potatoes, salad, or rice. It's not really super healthy but for fast food it's a really good choice. Vegetarians can eat falafel instead of meat here which is like bean bread balls...they are fried though.

Speed: B+

Bang-Bang...but not like a Lafleur's, they prepare the food in front of you not in the back (but again that's NOT a bad thing just it does reduce speed by a fraction)

Price: C+

If you get a sandwich, one side, and drink trio it's the same as MacDick's or anywhere else. Gettin' plates gets expensive for fast food though...but those plates are stacked man. You will be very full after getting a full Shish Taouk or Shwharma plate.

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? N

Yo this meat is on a spit surrounded by fire and they cut it off and you smell it...yo. It's so real guy, you can't fake that smell. So good.

2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? N

They got rice as a side and rice binds you. You won't have to worry about pooping your pants while stuck in traffic if you had rice instead of fries.

3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N

You can tip at Amir's or Basha's...no problem. No manager is going to come and tell you it's illegal like at burger joints.

Arabic Joint's Overall Score: 9/10
The Arab fast food gets the first green positive rating of 9. It's good, fast, and pretty healthy.

Even in the ads it looks gross...
--Mexican Joints--

I really shouldn't even label this as Mexican. Real Mexican food is goood. Like some Mexican sit-downs in my region are amazing. This is only concerning fast food and you know the one big name in this realm is...Taco Bell.

...and Taco Bell is fucking gross.

Taste: F

Maybe it's just the franchises I've been to but I always get sloppy dirty "meat" in a stale corn thing. It's fucking no-joke disgusting.

Health: F

Insert-Mexican-Sounding-Word-SUPREME. YA! Burrito-SUPREME. Taco-SUPREME! Chalupa-SUPREME! Yeah, tie a feeding bag around your face like a horse and eat this slop until you die-SUPREME!

Speed: B+

It's fast food. It's fast. Obviously.

Price: A

You can get a taco for like a buck at Taco Bell. Cheap.

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y

People think ground beef is hard to fake or something. It's ground...it means it can be from anything. Color additives can give ground beef that nice brown texture though. 

2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? Y(x2)

Okay, this isn't even a joke. It's getting a stacked double infraction on this variable. That's a -8 on it's total final tally. This shit will fuck up your shits.

3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? Y

I'm not sure if it's officially in the Taco Bell business doctrine but I've never seen a jar of any sort there.

"Mexican" Joint's Overall Score: -14/10
According to my formulaes...Taco Bell is two times worse than Macdonald's. That's terrible.

--Asian Joints--

Asian fast food is growing. Though it's still mainly a master of the sit-down and buffet restaurant genres, Chinese and other Asian cuisines is making it's way into the fast food market and some of these joints are good.

I've seen Chinese, Thai, Indian (tandoori chicken) fast food outlets in malls and other locations and many of them are good. One that is making a good killing is Thai Express which is fast, good, and let's you put FREE crushed peanuts on top of anything you order at your discretion by placing a big bowl of crushed peanuts next to the cash. I know 5 Guys Burgers has shelled peanuts for you to eat while you wait for your burger but that's not comparable to this. Thai Express let's you put crushed peanuts (as much as you want) on top of any dish you order. It's bad ass.

It's hard to lump them all into one category but the main driving force behind these scores are Chinese style (noodles, rice, meats, etc.) ones.

Taste: A

Chinese can cook, man. Fuck.

Health: B+

Everything is fried. General Tao's chicken is like 1 part chicken to like 9 parts batter. Even if you get vegetables that stuff will be fried somehow. It's not like a grease-pit menu but it's not at all healthy.

With all the rice and steamed foods options, you can make a good nutritional meal at Chinese fast food. Go for steamed rice instead of fried too if you're like a health nut.

The use of meat in Asian cooking is interesting. You never see big slabs of meat on a plate. Meat is used in most dishes but not in the same quantity as western diets use.

Speed: B

They have a little more work to do to prepare meals but they are fast. And it's cool because like at Teriyaki Express they chop all that stuff up and throw it on a scalding metal counter right in front of you and you can smell it burning and all the juices coming together. 

Price: B

Getting plates of stuff is going to add a bit more like at the Arabic places, but it's not expensive by any means really.

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? N

Maybe some do...but I think the Asians care more about food than we do and don't cut corners. Though, you read fucking horror stories sometimes of like cats and dogs and shit being used but they are usually not true. Man, I read a story like that about KFC one time too so it's not only Chinese places accused of using alternative meats.

I read this cool chinese book once where like some guy named Zhang "The Gardener" Qing and his wife Sun "The Demon" Erniang ran an out-of-the-way inn, and when people came to eat and drink wine there, they would poison the meal and knock the customer out. Then, they would chop the customer up into pieces and serve him/her in dumplings to the next customer that came. They were heroes in the book too not even villains. Fuck, Chinese culture can be pretty cool sometimes.

2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? N

They work with rice a lot too...so it should bind your shits up.

3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N

Only retarded restaurants pull stuff like that. You can always drop some coins here and there if you feel like it.

Asian Joints Overall Score: 7.5/10 
A nice round 7.5 outta 10. That's pretty good.

Roy Roger's Bones n' Bread.
--Fried Chicken Joints--

KFC. Haha, where I live they either want to market to french folks better or the retarded government of Quebec made them change the abbreviation to PFK (Poulet Frit Kentucky).

I never got that. Like the word KFC isn't french enough? It's not even a fucking word. Changing it to PFK makes it sounds more french? I don't see how that works. A lot of retarded shit happens where I live. Making things backwards is really common...like a store can't be Home Hardware it has to by law be called Hardware Home, or Wal Mart cannot be called that they have to legally change it to Mart Wal to operate in Quebec. One funny one was Price Club...it was changed to (can you guess?) Club Price. It's silly, but, whatever. I think sometimes the companies do the name change tongue-in-cheek style just to make fun of the Quebec law makers. They be all like..."Oh we can't be called Radio Shack? Well, then what about Shack Radio...does that come off more french sounding"?

Taste: A

Like General Tao, the Colonel knows the recipe to make chicken taste good. You take 1 part chicken to 9 parts batter. Ohhhh...that batter taste good. It's a moist fatty coating of breaded brown goodness.

Health: F

It's just fat...bones...and a bit of chicken. Fuck, one time I ate at a Roy Rogers in the States and it was literally bones covered in batter they didn't even put the fucking chicken in.

Speed: B+

Regular fast food.

Price: D

Two pieces of bones and batter is not worth what they charge.

The worst I ever got expensive bones wasn't even a KFC or a Roy Rogers it was a fast food chain called Bofinger. They charged me like 12 bucks for ribs thanks to that deceptive "choose your sides" thing. You think you're getting a trio discount % applied but it's not like that with that sides maze. I felt like that movie "I'm Gunna Git You Sucka" where like Chris Rock orders 1 rib off of Isaac Hayes and Jim Brown...but obviously that was comedy because it's a ludicrous situation. For real though (in real life), I ordered the "small" rack at Bofinger and they gave me 2 ribs! Fuck that shit. Bones 'aint a trio.

1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y

These are real chickens. (Not the chicken burgers or nugget things though)

I should have phrased this question better,  maybe..."do they cut all corners to get you the cheapest shit imaginable" because that's what I mean with this question basically. Yeah, KFC has the all time leading amount of horror stories surrounding it, I don't know if any of them are true but they, for sure, have the whackiest ones. You get headlines on the web like "Dude Finds Deep Fried Brain in his KFC" and loads of silliness. They might be all urban myths but there's something about the image of KFC that lets people have no trouble accepting these as true.

KFC stinks and smells too. If you live near one you'll know what I'm saying.

2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? Maybe

Maybe. You could get diarrhetic off this. It's possible.

3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N

I dunno. I don't think it's popular if it is. I gave the Y to Taco Bell but I don't know. I think I'll give the N to KFC. It's in the grey area where you can tip but I doubt anyone ever does.

Fried Chicken Joints Overall Score: -1/10 
Negative 1. Not bad, considering.


Looks like Arabic fast food wins. It's as fast as regular fast food but healthier, realer, and more better. Specifically I think it's Lebanese cuisine but it is similar to other Arabic and close to Greek cuisine too (baklava). These are in every strip mall in Montreal too. Lebanese fast food is good.

General tips to leave you with...

1. Don't supersize...there's no way you need that many calories. It's all empty garbage calories.

2. Save a lot of monies by avoiding the trio. They give you the sandwich for like 3 bucks but with the fries and coke it becomes like 10 bucks. If you want to save money to buy beer at night then just skip the trio, guy.

3. Diarrhea means your body is purging EVERYTHING you put in it. It's in a hyper alert mode of expulsion of the garbage you just put in your body. It's perfectly natural and you shouldn't be ashamed if you get diahrreactic. To avoid, don't eat garbage food.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Do You Mother Fuckers Know....

....that it's exactly two months until Oil Can's Day?

October 6th is designated to celebrate the birth of the Can. It's a global pseudo-holiday celebrated by anyone who's tough and cool and not a stupid idiot.

Shit. I only honestly celebrate two actual calendar holidays...and by "honestly" I mean that I have fun celebrating them....and by "fun" I mean I get really really hammered and fucked up. I don't even celebrate my own fucking birthday (mostly due to the fact that I was born from a stone egg on a mountain top a really long time ago and I don't even really know exactly what "day" it was).

The only calendar feast days I work with are Saint Patrick's Day (March 17) and Oil Can's Day (October 6th). I like these holidays because you celebrate them by getting fucked up. On SPD you go downtown and drink in the street (legally!) until you go crazy and even puke. On OCD you get a pack of oil cans, get yourselfs well-oiled, and get buck wild.

Yo, on Oil Can's Day you are supposed to drink until you get the gout.

Bad as Can


The first time I ever celebrated Oil Can's Day was in Calgary, Alberta after I had discovered a rare book on the shelves of a GoodWill near Marlborough Mall (circa 2007). I was looking at the used books selection and came upon...

"Gettin' Oiled: The Life of the Can"

I never knew that Oil Can even wrote a book so I was pretty taken by this here tome whence I first laid eyes on it. I assume due to the reason the Can was only super popular from about 1985 until 1992, that this book might have sold a few tens of thousands of copies in that span, and by 1993 it was out of print...meaning this book was not only bad-ass but it was extremely rare too.

The price tag was a yellow sticker which had "$1" written on it in blue pen ink. This really was a case of "one dude's garbage is another dude's treasure" because I couldn't wait to get home and the read the absolute shit out of this book.

I don't want to spoil it for anyone who has never read it because that would be really rotten of me. For that reason I do not think it is a good idea to break into an impromptu book review. Then again, this being out of print and all, maybe many baseball enthusiasts (and any other enthusiast for that matter) might be interested in a brief glimpse as to what is contained in the pages of "Gettin' Oiled: The Life of the Can" and what mysterious-misadventures and/or zany yarns the Can spins within it.

Alright, here's a brief (not full) impromptu Oil Can book review...

Impromptu Book Review

It mainly details Can's journey from the Mississippi streets to Diamond King Glory. I have a feeling Can was fairly Oiled while writing this. There's a good chance Can was dictating yarns into a tape recorder and these yarns were later unraveled into text format by the immaculate (yet refreshingly refined) Donald Metzner.

Some of the shit Can says he did in this book is FUCKING MENTAL. If you're sitting here reading this and are confident that you are a primo party animal...you better think twice dude. Plus, I have a feeling the yarns printed in this book are the ones the compiler was allowed to print and the crazier completely buck wild ones were left out for legal reasons. These yarns could possibly be just the tip of the yarn iceberg which is Can's life.

Can invented a martial-arts style known as "Can-Fu" and opened a dojo in Union Station, Meridian where he taught bad-ass moves to local dojo-goers.
Satchel Paige

Apparently, this one time he met Satchel Paige who graciously took Can for top secret pitching training in the arctic where he was instructed to launch baseballs blindfolded unto snow-capped mountains until avalanches erupted. That's fucked up and awesome. Even if this yarn is not entirely true, the mental image of Satchel Paige and Oil Can Boyd in a snowy landscape whipping baseballs at mountain ranges and creating waves and waves of wicked unstoppable avalanches is really cool.

For the record, last year (2012), Can released a second book which is good too...it's in print and can be bought on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/They-Call-Me-Oil-Can/dp/B00AZ9FIYE, so if you're looking for in-print Can material that's a good way to go.

As for "Gettin' Oiled: The Life of the Can," I'm probably the only person on earth who has a copy of this...which makes me the Lord of the Can...I guess.

Not sellin' it either.


In order to properly celebrate the upcoming Oil Can's Day weekend you should note the following...

On Saturday October 5th, or Oil Can's Day Eve, you should leave your bed room door slightly ajar in hopes that Oil Can sneaks in your bedroom late at night and hides cold bottles of beer under your pillow.

How does the Oil Can get beer to all the good little guys and gals of the planet? His van is fast, fool.

On the 6th, it is customary to call all your friends over and get fucked up. You have to remember to get oiled in moderation though...a lot of people (especially chicks) cannot handle it. If you can't handle it then don't drink...it's literally that simple.

Once you're good and oiled you hafta get a pack of six dozen baseballs and whip them at snowy snow-capped mountains to commemorate that one time I made up that Oil Can Boyd did that.


October 6th is only 2 months away now and it is going to be great fun for all like it always is.

(if your birthday happens to be this day...then you shouldn't double-celebrate but instead move your dumb birthday to a less cool day).