Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Stretch Run: The Cos Media Circus Storyline is Drawing to a Close.

Opinion Piece. Nothing more. Nothing Less. All statements made are mere human opinions of a mere humanistic nature.



If you're from another country or something...the current media circus revolving around one Bill Cosby is coming to its fever pitch now.

First off, it should be noted that this feud is not Cosby vs. 200 Women.....it is Cosby vs. Allred. It is a media feud between two high profile media entities.

Cosby has 400 million bucks and Gloria Allred wants a cut. Every celebrity under the sun has come under attack from her at some point of their lives and everyone is afraid to say anything negative about her.

Cosby's team went on the counter offensive earlier this week by counter suing seven select members of the 200 accusers in the Allred camp. This move seemed to be the death blow in the War ensuring Victory for the Cos.....but wait...

....two weeks before the statute of limitations exceeded in the Pennsylvania jurisdiction on one of the allegations in question....a COUNTER-DEATH-BLOW trap was activated once again turning the tables in this media fiasco for the umpteenth time!

Turns out the Cosby case was the focal point of the race for DA in Pennsylvania between two lawyers with the one promising to try Cosby being elected the winner and now that lawyer has to keep the promise that won them the election to become District Attorney and try Cosby.

.....IT'S MADNESS GORILLA MONSOON! IT'S MADNESS! IT'S MEDIA FEUD HISTORY IN THE MAKING GORRILLA MONSOOOOON! HISTORY IN THE MAKING!

That about sums up where this is right now.


Comparison and Contrast

I was reading a pretty decent article in the New York post the other day by Andrea Peyser (here). She makes the claim that Cosby is losing the Trial by Media due to his old-ways pull-up-yer-pants beliefs which are not popular in this current society. She makes the comparison between Cosby and Roman Polanksi and openly wonders why Cos has more heat and less defenders than Roman had.

Polanksi had 138 hollywood types sign a petition in his defense after he fled the country....complete with Han Solo accepting his award for the Pianist at the 2002 Oscars. How come a guy who raped a 13 year old girl gets that defense but there is absolutely NO ONE left defending Cosby outside of like C-List celebrity Faizon Love?

I wrote two previous opinion pieces on Cosby...


1. Nov 2014: In Semi Defense of the Cos

2. Jan 2015: Is that Gloria Allred a Humongous Jabroni?


I made a comparison of Cosby to other celebs accused of sexual mis-conduct....Robin Williams and Woodie Allen....and I didn't suggest the difference was necessarily race for the reason Cosby's flack has been 1 million fold more intense than Woodie's and Robin's flack....I suggested it was more of an "old versus young" sort of reason as why Cos is getting this much flack...and it seems Peyser of the Post agrees.

Charlie Sheen is a good current example too. He is accused of giving womens The Aids but his flack has been pretty chill....in fact it's been very chill. He's stated he wants to cure Aids and is even being seen as a Hero by media. Funny I guess....it seems that's flack worthy, no? The Aids?

I don't even know much about Polanksi mentioned in Peyer's article. I heard of him and knew he did some sex-u-al misconduct but I've never seen any of his movies before. He seems like another pretty good example to invoke here in this comparison section.


Okay, so...I'm gonna sum up the cases against three fellows (referred to as A, B, and C) and you put in order from Most Worst Person to Least Worst Person out of the three.


Fellow A) Acquitted of a charge in 2005 against him and the matter was settled. A full decade later the case is re-opened. It details a woman who at the time was aged 33... who states she was in a relationship with a man she considered her "mentor" yet this relationship was not sexual in nature. She claims the fellow put his hands down her pants and now wants him to go to prison. Judging from the Toronto condo she purchased which is estimated at being over a million dollars some speculate that the original 2005 settlement was quite lucrative as such

All this fellow's accolades and honors have been revoked and will never work again in Hollywood.

Fellow B) A woman claims this fellow raped her when she was a 13 year old girl. She was a model who the fellow was taking photos of. The man was arrested yet fled to France before his hearing where he has remained since. He is on InterPol's list of fugitives and if he ever sets foot in USA again will stand trial.

This fellow still managed to WIN A FUCKING OSCAR in 2002 WHILST A FUGITIVE LIVING IN EXILE! None of his accolades have been revoked and in fact has GAINED accolades and awards since the incident!

Fellow C) This man is accused by his step-daughter of raping her when she was 7 years old. He had a past relationship with the child that was odd to many who observed them together. It came to the point where to see the child he had to remain under supervision ordained by the courts and had to follow a psychiatric examination. The couple later adopted a young girl and when this second child turned 17 years old he left his wife and MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER!

This fellow has had no accolades or awards revoked and still makes movies and tv shows in hollywood.


So you put A, B, and C in order of Most Worst to Least Worst....for me it would go....and this is just an opinion...but it would go:

Worst: Fellow C
Next Worstest: Fellow B
Least Worst: Fellow A

You probably know who's who but in case you don't:

Fellow A is Bill Cosby.
Fellow B is Roman Polanski.
Fellow C is Woodie Allen.

Yeah, sorry....I know he's the biggest star blah blah blah...but I consider Woodie Allen the worst out of those three fellows.


Woodie Allen

This name has always acted as a sort of litmus test for me...if someone says they like Woodie Allen then I know what kind of person they are. They are a selfish, autistic, narcissistic, neurotic person who's never worked a single day in their entire lives.

I really don't like this guy. His movies are unwatchable and he's creepy looking. His movies are all the same....a weird, neurotic, panicky little middle aged sheissball is nervous and scared of everything around him .... but always tends to win in the end as he gets to feel up some sixteen year old girl ... who for some reason is MADLY in love with his disgusting wrinkly ass and fidgety hands.

It's over the top. It is. It's like a fucking Tommy Wiseau movie these Woodie Allen movies. I really think it's a toss up between Tommy Wiseau and Shitball Allen over who is the worst film maker of ALL TIME.

Fidgety Hands
I've never watched one of his movies til the end...I can't make it. Maybe it's not that they're bad, maybe it's just me, it's just that I can't relate to these movies. I've grown up in a working class environment where you can tell a person who's never done hard work before by looking at them...you really can. Doing shitty and hard jobs you can tell a person who's never done that stuff before right off the bat....and that's all I see while watching a Woodie Allen movie...it's his fucking hands. Those fucking fidgety gross hands that I know have never been used to do anything difficult before. They steal the show those fucking hands. Fidgeting.... being gross ....fidgeting some more. Damn it man... if your movies are just gonna be some shitstain's hands fidgeting for two hours then at least have the common decency to not mislead the audience and name these fucking movies....Fidgety Hands, Fidgety Hands II, Fidgety Hands III: The Fidgeting... and etc etc .... don't fool people by naming them like Annie Hall or some shit. It's deceptive. If your movie is gonna be some nutcase fidgeting then let people know that before hand!

I would feel much better over the media circus against Cosby if the same intensity was applied to Woodie Alllen as well .... and it really isn't even close to the same intensity level.... not even close.

I think the intensity level of the Cosby Heat should be lowered or the intensity level of the Woodie Allen Heat should be higher....there's no way that Cosby should be getting more heat than Woodie Allen. It makes no sense.


Conclusion

I might be one of the last ones left... just like me and like Faizon Love ... but I am STILL in Cosby's Corner. Sorry but I am.

As for everyone else?

Gloria Allred? You might win....you might make like 100 million bucks out of this for yourself, Maroko, and Goldberg ...you might get the Cos incarcerated into a federal prison... but you know what? You will still be known in the hearts and minds of all Americans as being .... A Humongous Jabroni ... and that will be your legacy as a person who lived on planet earth. The Legacy of a Jabroni forever and ever. I wish Henny Youngman was still alive to ask you ... who the hell you think you even are!?



Henny on Allred. Amen, Henny....you were the Legend. I love you.


Hannibal Burress? I watched that salacious Justin Bieber roast with that salacious Justin Bieber ... and you did a joke on that show and then the camera panned to the laughter of the audience ... and do you know who the camera panned to catch laughing at that joke? The camera panned to Gloria Allred. 

I believe you are in CAHOOTS with HER. Now that you got some money in your wallet it seems you wanna keep your friends close but your enemies closer and you know being on that Salamander Snake's side might help you escape her wrath when it comes your turn to be dragged through the proverbial mud. You're a smart man, Hannibal, just like that elephant jabroni you were named after (or maybe that guy from the A-Team you were named after).

Dave Letterman? I watched you interview Cosby many times and you constantly referred to that man as your "friend" but now you want nothing to do with the man. I thought the word "friendship" meant something more than just telling someone they are your friend on television. It seems you simply have no loyalty to your friends and thus will never be considered a Bold Fellow. 

Spelman College? If you want to sever ties with Bill Cosby then maybe you should sever ties with his money too. What's that? You want to dis-associate yourself from him but not his 20 million dollar donation he made to you? That's convenient isn't it? If you had any honor you'd give every dollar of it back.

Woodie Allen? Your movies are a poor man's version of Tommy Wiseau movies. You should retract all of them from the public sphere so people never have to watch them ever again. You suck.

Roman Polanski? What's wrong withchu man? You're giving the respectful and wonderful Polish people a bad name when you act like that bro. Come on bro.



I know you still got a trick up your sleeve Cos! I know it!
Bill Cosby? I know everyone hates you now....but I'm still in your corner. I am. I know they re-turned the tables back on you but don't give up. This feud 'aint over yet! Cosby vs. Allred is NOT OVER YET so don't give up! If you got a card up your sleeve it's time to play it! It's down to the wire! It's the stretch run! It's 4th down at the goal line! Play your ace! Re-Turn the Tables again, Cos! I still believe in YOU!

I refuse to believe that this is how the Honorable Cos goes down for the 3 count.... like this? No way! I refuse to believe it! It's not over yet...I know he's got a trick up his sleeve that has yet to be played. I know he's not done yet! He's not done yet!

This is no longer a regular match. They don't just want his money now they wanna stick him a metal jail. This feud is a CAGE MATCH. It has literally become a CAGE MATCH. They poured concrete all over the ring to make it even more dangerous like at those god damn Chojin Olympics. This shit is getting out of hand!

I know it's an unpopular stance to take these days but I'm rooting for him. I truly am.

I truly am. Hey if Roman fuckin' Polanski can get 138 defenders he deserves at least 1500. The Cos isn't the greatest guy but he's genuinely at least 10 times better than that guy at least.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Great Moments in Literature 4: Leroy's Momma!

I've done a couple of essays called "Great Moments in Literature" in the last year or two. One was about Bob Backlund, one about Stan Gable and then one about Piccolo.

Past "Great Moments in Literature" :

1. Bob Backlund

2. Stan Gable

3. Piccolo

They all share the same thread of characters in media who's character-growth throughout their respective stories have been very interesting, unique and fun to follow.



I want to do another one, I've been reading some articles lately on the net which would be categorized as "feminist film reviews" I guess you'd call them...and I find this style of article writing to be really strange. The writers (95% of the time are females)....will review movies...but not in the traditional sense...they will review a movie but only in regards to how it deals with current buzzwords they care about and which buzzwords are currently popular at universities and other "fun" environments they frequent.

So the review of any movie in that style will go something along the lines of....

"There was four instances of -Damsel in Distress- within the first hour of this film which tipped me off that this movie was not going to be any good. It made some headway when it briefly depicted an Independent Woman in the scene out by the warehouse....yet that glimmer of hope didn't last long. Right after the warehouse scene there's a -TRIGGER WARNING-....a long -rape- scene which even goes as far as to use this rape scene as the entire sub plot for the remainder of the film. I give this movie zero stars out of 5."

-(hypothetical review of a movie in a university/college type of style)

The final review in this new style doesn't seem based on if they enjoyed the film or if they found it to be a well made film....but they base the final review on whether certain buzz concepts which are popular at colleges were adequately dealt with by the film makers.

Now, not to be rude but, this is kinda fucking stupid. The criterion for whether a human enjoys a movie they just watched should be based on whether they enjoyed the film or not. People shouldn't be watching entertainment media to see if it is conforming to current political correctness buzzwords. That takes the whole fun away from watching movies.

These buzzwords are silly too. They are semantically variable to the extent that any movie could be subjected to these nonsensical concepts and deemed not to conform to them. For instance, say I take this review-writing style and apply it to the film Saving Private Ryan.....

"In this film, within the first moments we are introduced to a -Damsel in Distress- situation in which Mat Damon is kidnapped by interlopers and held captive against his will. Typically, the heroic hero played by Chet Hanks has to come to the rescue of this poor damsel and save the day. -TRIGGER WARNING- Chet Hanks and his posse resort to murder to solve their problems and kill the men holding Matt Damon hostage. What is this saying to kids? That murder is the right way to solve your problems? I can't believe this. Oh and Matt Damon? How can you reduce yourself to portraying a Damsel in Distress? How low have you sunk? I give Saving Private Ryan zero stars out of five."

(-hypothetical review of Saving Private Ryan written in college-style)

That above review is actually technically true...but....it's a very distorted take on that film. Most people who saw that movie would call Matt Damon a Prisoner of War and not a Damsel in Distress...and most people would condone of the murder of stinky nazis in order to save that Prisoner of War. Everyone would see it that way...except those looking through the eyes of modern day college students.

 It's all just buzzwords this shit.

The other thing that bugs me about it is that everyone is flipping over these Hunger Games movies...which I've never seen so I don't know much to comment on them. I'm just gonna comment on the reaction to these films. Everyone is raving and raving about these Hunger whats-its. They're making it out to be like this is the first time a female has ever been heroic in a movie before. Like this movie has broken some sort of mold and is historic in nature. Yeah right. It hasn't broken any mold whatsoever.

Go watch Kill Bill for fuck's sake. Uma Thurman was fucking dudes up in that movie...like 88 of 'em at a time...with a samurai sword and she was doing that way before that Hunger Games kid was doing whatever it is she does in her movie.

I think maybe the main reason the females (and even some dudes who want to impress the females) at these universities are so uptight about watching movies....is because they simply don't watch the right movies! You just watch shitty movies, that's all. Watch some fucking good movies for a change.

The kind of movies I watch have lots and lots of bad female chicks in them, usually. Chicks who always fuck dudes up. When I was reading articles of people saying that the Hunger Games is providing audiences with the first heroic female of all time.... I was like, No Way Jose... my mind raced to powerful female women I've seen in good movies before. Kill Bill's Beatrice Kiddo was one of them....but do you know what the FIRST name my brain thought of when it thought of bad ass heroic female heroes in film?

Gail Neely.

Who, you're asking? You don't know who that is? Of course you don't, you just watch these mainstream movies that suck dick all week....you wouldn't know who Gail Neely is! I am talking about Leroy's Momma!

 Momma Washington!




Eleanor Washington: The Baddest Momma


...Only one person is powerful enuff, brave enuff, daring enuff to stop them.

....Only one person can ensure that Surf Nazis.....MUST DIE!

She's Tuff! She's Dangerous! SHE IS ALL WOMAN!

She's Leroy's Momma......and as long as she's ALIVE....the Surf Nazis.....MUST DIE!!!!!!!

Come taste Momma's cooking....ya dirty Surf Nazis!!!

Film: Surf Nazis Must Die

Synopsis: California's gang wars spiral out of control after an earthquake leads the state into a prolonged depression. The police cannot combat the gang warfare and simply give up. One gang wins the gang wars and takes claim of the entire state of California and that gang is....the dreaded Surf Nazis and all tremble at their power and cruelty.

One man, engineer Leroy Washington, who has devoted his life to rebuilding California back to it's pre-earthquake state runs afoul with the Surf Nazis on his way to work. After trying to fight them, outnumbered by a vast margin, the valiant Leroy is murdered by those terrible and cruel Surf Nazis.

Just another person murdered unjustly by the most dangerous gang in California....like so many others before him. The sate of California is truly in shambles. It is crippled and in shambles...total shambles.

Meanwhile, at a local elderly care residence, a woman sits by herself. She is old and living out the last of her days in peace at this old folk's home by smoking cigars and gambling with the other old ladies. She is happy and proud that her son has vowed to bring California back from economic and social collapse using his mastery of engineering. Yet woe is to be her upon hearing of her son Leroy's untimely death at the hands of.....Surf Nazis.

Eleanor Washington is a nice woman without a pinch of malice in her entire body. She is the quintessential Momma....she's sweet, nice, a great cook, with a loving warm embrace and gentle smile. A true Mother in every sense of the word.

Yet, what is a Mother with no child? How can she go on living out her lonely days in the old folk's home with no son to be proud of? No offspring to carry on her legacy? No child to call her own? The simple answer to her heart wrenching questions is that she can not.

A weaker mother may have commited suicide....but Eleanor? She doesn't want to stop living. No. She wants the scum who murdered her son TO STOP LIVING! Our Hero bursts out of her old folk's home like a woman possessed....in order to commence her mission....her mission of....

.....Destroying every last one of those filthy Surf Nazis!


Greatest Female Hero in Media History?

What is the hallmark and pinnacle of being a Woman? There are those that say that it is being a good and loving Mother....that is what makes a woman a Hero.

Yet there's also those who claim the pinnacle and hallmark of womanhood is standing up for what's right and killing Nazi Surfers.

These two schools of thought on what makes a Woman a Hero seem dialectically opposed on the surface....but the question is begged on this matter...what if a Woman can be Both?

GAT + SPEEDBOAT = NAZI KILLIN' MACHINE!
What if a woman has all the traits of a Victorian mother figure. Super Nurturing, Super Loving, and makes Great Food.

but.....

What if she also possesses the traits of a Surf Nazi Killing Machine? Able to ride motorcycles, shoot guns with deadly accuracy, able to ride shotgun on a speedboat while picking off fleeing Surf Nazis with her trusty Gat?

Would it not then be sound of mind to declare the character who possess both skill sets set out by both schools of thought on the matter of what it takes to be a heroic woman....to be the greatest female hero in all of media?

This argument seems sound to me.


Conclusion

Lots of questions were raised here, so let's recap.

Is Gail Neely the Greatest Female Hero in All of Media? YES, she beats out Uma Thurman, Pam Grier, Xena, and others for the honor and distinction as such....Yes.

Do College Kids Know how to Watch Movies? No. They watch movies poorly. They don't watch movies to enjoy them or to be edified by them. They watch movies so they can try and apply silly things they learned in school to entertainment data in order to attempt to feel intelligent.

Do College Kids Watch the Right Movies? No. They watch crappy movies and wouldn't even know a good movie if they actually did accidentally watch a good movie. Their brains probably wouldn't even be able to code a good movie into memories because they are too stupid.

Did the Hunger Games create the first Woman Hero? Nope. I'm pretty sure chicks like Joan D'Arc, Beatrice Kiddo....and that bad bad bad, shut yo mouth, bad, bad, BAD, BAD Momma Eleanor Washington were being bad ass way before Hunger Games came out.

That skinny blonde girl from Hunger Games is not the first positive heroic female role model of all time. If figurative push ever came to hypothetical shove and her character had to fight Gail Neely's character (or even Uma's character) in a fantasy match....I would bet good money that Momma Washington would fuck that lady up! One Hundred and Ten Percent....fuck that lady up!


Anyways.....College Kids, start watching better movies....and stop taking movies so seriously? Okay? Movies are just movies.


Thursday, December 10, 2015

Rock for Hall of Fame (For the Umpteenth Time!)

It's a personal human tradition for me to write in this blog one month prior to Baseball Hall of Fame voting time to launch an impassioned plea for sports super star and icon, Mr. Rock Raines, to be accepted into baseball's most hallowed of shrines.

Previous Ones:

2011: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2011/12/baseball-hall-of-fame-is-incomplete.html

2012: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2012/12/last-year-prior-to-hall-of-fame-voting.html

2013: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2013/11/rock-hall-3.html

2014: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2014/10/the-greatest-lead-off-guys-evar.html
(this one I wrote whilst watching the world series and went on really looong and I wroted A LOT).


In all seriousness, I'm out of things to say......I really am.

So.....This year we will be comparing the Rock to other people and things who share the monicker of "Rock" and attempt to decide via a scientific ranking method....which is the greatest Rock of All Time.

The entries are the following:

1) Tim "Rock" Raines
2) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
3) Rock and Roll (the musical genre)
4) Charles "Roc" Dutton
5) Actual Rocks (like you see in mountains and in nature and whatnot)


Which of these five Rocks shall be crowned the King Rock? You'll have to read to find out (or scroll to the bottom...I guess that would work too).


The Rocks 


1) Tim "Rock" Raines

Tim Raines is the greatest. Tim Raines is an icon. Tim Raines is by far one of baseball's champions of the 80s and 90s.

This man could really play well. He could really knock it out. He was number one in the mix. He was the greatest baseball player. He could really rock it out. He could literally Rock the Place Apart.

Rock over London.
Rock on Chicago.
Wheaties.....Breakfast of Champions!

Tim Raines can Rock...he can Roll....he can Rock 'til the age of 101 years old and therefore his final rating on a scale of 100 will be 101. Wow.


Final Overall Classification: 101/100




2) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Dwayne Johnson is in this contest? Oh crap. That's some stern competition for Greatest Rock of All Time. This Rock is a Legend too.

The Rock Says, The Rock Says....
This man was at one time the self proclaimed Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment. He is possibly the most quoted man of all time. People think like Einstein or someone is the most quoted man of all time....but they are very wrong.

If the Rock said anything back in the day....800 million people would start saying it the next day at work and at school. Like one time he said...."know your role".....and the day after he said that EVERYONE started saying that. Like, one time he called someone a Jabroni and then EVERYONE started to say that.

Now, as a person who oft uses the term Jabroni, it must be noted that the Rock did not invent that term but merely propelled it into stardom and into the Webster's Dictionary.

In the Documentary film, "The Sheik", by the Magen Brothers....The Rock has this to say about where he came across the term "Jabroni"....

"[Sheik took me under his wing to share his insight and wisdom]....and I'll never forget, I'll never ever forget...it was a very long flight and he said....'Bubba, let me tell ya, you go into the locker room, you sit down, you keep your mouth shut, you open your ears and you listen to everybody, ok? Don't be the Jabroni'...."
        (The Rock, from The Sheik Movie, 2014)


It is an undisputed fact that he learned the word from the Iron Sheik....but even then...it was the Rock who propelled that term into being the greatest word of the modern era.


It is. It's AWESOME.

It is a pretty great feat to have introduced the greatest word of all time into our lexicon. Damn, this greatest Rock of All Time is going to be harder to declare then I previously thought it was going to be.

All in All, Dwayne Johnson may have coined the best word of our times but since the Iron Sheik originated it....unfortunately......this Rock must be given a negative 10 deduction to his otherwise perfect score.


Final Overall Classification: 90/100



3. Rock and(/or) Roll, The Musical Genre

Everyone always tells me that Rock and Roll is Dead. That it died in about 1991. We know music sucks now and no one makes good music anymore....but is Rock n' Roll really Dead?

I don't think so. I think Rock and Roll has been jettisoned from the music scene these days but I know for A FACT that Rock and Roll cannot die. Rock and Roll is more powerful than a mere human like you or I can grasp. Even if we cannot see Rock and Roll anymore in today's music it doesn't mean it's gone forever.

Yes, as of right now Rock and Roll is dormant....yet.....we all know that no one can kill Rock and Roll. You might think Rock and Roll is dead...but one day, you're gonna walk into a MacDonald's and out of nowhere....Rock and Roll is gonna Rise Above like a Phoenix of the Night and Rock your fucking ass OFF.

Ya!

Rock n' Roll is not dead....it's just harder to find it these days.



Final Overall Classification: 67/100


4. Charles "Roc" Dutton

Now, I've read that he Don Kinged some dude(s) back in the day and I don't know anything about that. It's neither here nor there....I only know Charles "Roc" Dutton from the characters he's portrayed in Movies and Tv Shows.

It's not so much his portrayal of the Roc character that wins him a spot on the list of greatest Rocks of All Time (and yes I understand that his name is missing the K and it's more like Roc the mythical bird but whatever). It is his portrayal of the maintenance man in "Rudy" that wins him a spot on this list.

Man, in that movie Rudy...that friggin' Rudy was being a little weiner at one point being all whiny and shit....and then Roc tells him...."Rudy, you're a spoiled brat...you think that getting a college grade education is a "waste"? You're a fool, Rudy." (or something to that extent...I'll see if there's a clip on youtubes).

Oh shit....there's a REGIS VERSION!? WHAT THE HECK!? This is cool.....

Haha. This is cool.

I saw that movie Rudy when I was a youngster and that scene really taught me to "Count my Blessings as Such" and that's a pretty powerful lesson for a youngster to learn, bubba, and I learned that very valuable life lesson from the Roc....so yeah...he really does deserve a spot on the greatest Rocks list even if he is missing the K in his name.


Final Overall Classification: 74/100


5. Actual Literal Rocks like in Nature and Mountains and Whatnot

There's three types of geologically classified Rocks and that's...

1. Igneous
2. Sedimentary

and,

3. Meta-Morphic

People flip over Meta-Morphic because it sounds like some Voltron or Power Rangers type rock but it's not. Meta-Morphic mostly has to do with lava and volcanoes.....which is kind lame.

Whatever, Actual Rocks. Who Cares?
Igneous sounds like a sturdy sorta Rock you can really hang your hat on. I respect Igneous Rocks, yes. Sedimentary is cool because it's all layer on layer and it looks nice when you see like a mountain that has all these layers of different colors. It's very appealing to the eye.

I mean lava, and layers, and sturdiness is ok and everything....but I'm not really all that a big huge fan of regular rocks. Like, you can be in snowball fight and a stupid kid'll throw a snowball that has a rock, or stone, or pebble in it...and that's it man....you get that in the face and it's lights out and someone's mom makes you stop playing snow ball fight and everyone has to go home.

Never really liked Literal Rocks all that much, really.


Final Overall Classification: 42/100



Final Assessment on Rocks

From worst to most Greatest Ever.....

5. Literal Actual Rocks like in Nature and Mountains and Whatnot
4. Rock and Roll The Musical Genre
3. Charles "Roc" Dutton
2. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson


and.......The Greatest Rock of All Time........is......

1. Tim "Rock" Raines !!!!  


 

Monday, November 23, 2015

Food

I read a lot about two chems these days in global media outlets. Atrazine and Glysophate. People are scared of them and the media is all over this. The articles on every news outlet usually go down with this formula:

Headline of: "This Dangerous Chem is Banned in Europe but Not Where We Live!?"
Article consists of: Blah, blah, blah, blah.
User Comments Section: 500 instances of "Oh my Sweet Lord why isn't this Chem Banned!?"

Why if something is banned in Europe should it be banned everywhere? Is Europe like the number 1 and most efficient food producer on earth? No, not even close. Why is Europe supposed to be the leader and pace setter for agricultural practices then? Who knows. It's not the nation everyone should try to emulate in regards to agriculture...not in the least.

Here are the top producers of crops globally. You'll notice the country known as Europe is very rarely in the top 5 and rarely ever in the lead in any crop category

(Source: United Nations FAOSTAT)

Buck Cereals


Buck Vegetables


Buck Fruits


Buck Fruits, Continued.


 Buck Meats and Whatnot






And of course Deez Nuts (Got EEEM)



If You're Not Number 1....then just Pretend that You Are, That's All


Wow, China, China, China, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. Number one is always China, China, China, almost ad nauseam. Reading this leaders list is like listening to a Donnie Trump speech. China, China, China, China, Chi-NA. Chiii-na, CHINA, China, China, China......


 I hafta have my China


China in some categories is like off the charts in the lead too. China makes over 200 million tonnes of rice per year. That's quite a lot of rice.

America isn't bad either. It produces the most corn on earth by a large margin. Why is this? Countries like China and USA can be number one because they value science, they aren't scared of the word GMO, they figure out what works and go with it. They reduce land use and get more out of it...they make MORE with LESS because they are smart and good at it.


The USDA shows the evolution of corn production in the USA with this line graph and the big spurts in production coincide with the biological advances made in science. They have mastered making corn. How did they do it? With research and science, that's how.

Alright so as we can see from the data....Europe is not number one in agriculture, but it seems every news article I read tends to think that it is for some reason. This whole "Europe is doing it! So we have to do it!" motif is based on what exactly?

It's like being in school and everyone wants to copy the dullard in class and be like them. It's like the whole world is in school and Europe is the dumb kid picking his nose and eating his boogers in the back of the class...yet for some crazy reason...everyone in the class wants to emulate his behavior for some unknown reason. Why? Who the fuck knows. I don't know.

Another comparison is that every nation in the world is in school, every country, and everyone is getting good grades except for that dullard Europe...so instead of studying harder and doing research and learning something...Europe just goes around the class with a hammer and beats all the other students in the head with it until they are as stupid as he/she is. Actually that example is even better because THEY ARE DOING THAT.


Organic

If you can't be the best...just pretend you are.

Europe might not make the most, or best, crops but at least they have an ad campaign to pretend they do. Their crops are holier than any other crops. They have an air of regality and sophistication that other crops don't have.

Europe has the Aristocratic equivalent of Farm Produce....they have Organic food. What is Organic food? It's a label. The organic industry is on an honor system...there's no inspectors or guidelines. You pay to get the Organic seal of approval and then you can slap it on your shit.

We all know that most of food produced comes from China, and that doesn't change with organic food. The food is still from China, the same stuff, except it has a package which says Organic Peas instead of Peas. That's it, that's all it is. Same product but just a silly little label on it....like Tommy Hilfiger grey t-shirt instead of just a grey t-shirt, you know?

Why is this? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings over this because I know a lot of fat rich white people love this Organic shit....but Organic is a form of Mercantilism that is used to keep the profits in Europe and out of places like Africa.


Neo Mercantilism

I am always interested in reading about countries where hungry-ass people live. Countries where deaths from mal-nourishment and starvation are a real thing. I was following Golden Rice and why certain groups want it banned and I am surprised that people in countries where they need to figure out how to make crops flourish in order to make sure people have food to eat actually have a positive opinion of GMOs.

Golden Rice synthesizes beta-caratine into rice in order to deal with the problem that many children on earth don't get enough of this and go blind in their formative years. Most poor people eat rice for their only meal a day and if you can get the nutrients they need into the next batch of rice crops then that may be a substantive method of solving that problem. Poor countries want this. They want GMOs. It's groups of lawyers from Environmental "Charities" who want Golden Rice banned....not the countries with heavy problems of childhood blindness, undernourishment, and death.

Europe has gone on such a firebrand preacher escapade of promoting organic and vilifying GMO that it is actually making a concerted effort to keep people hungry.

Europe doesn't produce much food AT ALL but it exports a shit ton of food. It imports raw goods and then sells products derived from these raw food imports. All of the laws in Europe and the laws it negotiates during trade talks center around this. Keep the raw goods coming in and products going out. Import some coffee...freeze dry it....throw on some Organic bull shit thing on it...and then export it at 1000x of what you paid for it.

Again, I am always interested in reading what people in places where hunger is a reality feel about the organic movement and the anti-GMO firebrand evangelicalism of Europe. I was reading an article by Calestous Juma, a man who's field of study is getting every mouth fed in Africa...and again....I am both surprised and relieved that people in Africa who want to solve hunger problems have a VERY POSITIVE view of GMOs.

Juma: How the EU Starves Africa into Submission

Africa can't export to Europe any good that's GMO, and they are not allowed in the trade agreement to export any manufactured good. Raw food stuff is taxed at a tarriff of about 10% to sell to Europe while manufactured goods are taxed up to 60% in tarriffs. That's high way robbery! And people say that Africa is not an economic super power because they are lazy or some shit...no they are not lazy...they are just getting ripped off by the EU in a Neo-Mercantilism cartel scam, that's why.


Germany doesn't make any coffee but somehow exports 3.67 billion bux worth of it? Ok there.


Calestous Juma believes Africa's only hope to become a strong economic region is to look for other countries to deal with....mainly China and Brazil beause the Mercantilism deal they have going with Europe is a total rip off.

Europe imports it's food from poor countries...then processes it and slaps a bullshit Organic label on it...and then sells the product to yuppies for an huge markup. America has this mentality too now....especially in California where hollywood rich white people have really fallen in love with the Organic scam.

The ironic thing is these Euro-Trash and Cali-Trash rich white pigs really believe they are SAVING THE EARTH by buying something with the word organic slapped on the label. It's ironic because people in the world who really are trying to feed the hungry people of earth and help all the dying children not die are HUGE fans of GMOs and not fans of organic methods.


"Pursuing EU-inspired biosafety policies denies Africa the capacity to leverage biotechnology and use it to meet its own local needs. GM technology has wider application in fields such as medicine and can be used in the development of diagnostics." -Calestous Juma

Africa wants GMOs! It wants pesticides! It wants to meet its local needs to feed everyone. They need a trade deal with a country....probably China or Brazil like he suggested...that will purchase food from them at reasonable prices and have no "bio-safety" fictitious rules to justify charging African food exporters up to 60% in tariffs.

Conclusion

I love Europe, I think it's a swell country. It's a beautiful place full of wonderful people...yet its agricultural model is downright atrocious. Their agriculture practices can be summed up in two concepts.

A) Sign deals with poorer countries with highly Mercantilistic terms

B) Create a very silly marketing campaign to sell processed raw goods for export to be consumed by a demographic of rich dumb white people who want to buy "Organic" food.

Now in my region, two groups are suing the government to ban Glysophate and Atrazine under the pretense that "It's what Europe does."

First off, Quebec is in Canada...IT IS NOT IN EUROPE. Okay? Our laws are not European laws. Okay? Is that really that hard to understand?

Second off, Europe has the silliest and possibly the most un-ethical agricultural model of any country on earth. WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO EMULATE THEM!? WHO!? A moron that's who.

Nobody should be banning successful pesticides that in the case of atrazine has been used for 60+ years.

Man, I wish there was a new chain of grocery stores built for niche market consumers. People like me who think organic is swear word. It would be a chain of stores called "African Sundries" and all products were purchased from Africa at fair market value and all products would say "GMO AND PROUD" on the label....

....and you know who would do all of his mother fucking grocery shopping down at African Sundries? This guy. Me. D. That's who.


Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Chicago Cubs....have they Conquered Suffering? Can All of Humanity Finally Live Free and at Ease?



Walk the 8-fold path and you will be rewarded. Rewarded with what? Eternal life? No. Riches? No. Heaven? No.

According to the laws and tenets listed in the religion known as Buddhism....if you achieve the savvy to follow this "Eightfold" yellow-brick-road and make it to the end of that road....you'll be rewarded with....

....Nothing. No-Thing.

At all. That's it, That's all.

Base. Ball.
(Woah, that's almost a Haiku, eh)

Yes, the official reward in Buddhism is to become Nothing. To no longer Exist. To simply Stop Being and achieve Formlessness. None of your actions will ever again have consequence. You and the particles and things that make You become Nothing At All. All the actions and re-actions involving the embodiment known as You simply dis-appear presently and Retro-Actively.

Freedom, Absolute Freedom. No more pain, no more sadness....and no more Suffering. Suffering shall cease. If you do not become Nothing you'll have to do it all over again....as a bug, or a fly, or a an E-coli, or a dog, or as one of the Beach Boys. Suffer again and again and again....

That's what Buddhism says, anyways. Do I believe that? No....it doesn't make any sense....but what if it was true? That'd be fun.


108

That is the magic number in Buddhism. There's 108 beads on a Buddhist necklace, there's 108 "desires", there's 108 "lies that can be told by humans", there's 108 texts of the Ancient Sages, there's 108 paths to Truths....and so on.

It's a big deal number in Buddhism. Are there 108 forms of Defeat? Yes....in fact it is said that there are 36 "Divine Forms of Defeat" and 72 "Earthly Forms of Defeat" and it is by encountering and suffering through 108 forms of defeat that you can only then claim to have experienced and understand "Defeat."


Defeat is just another of the 108 Paths to Truth and a method to achieve the "End of Suffering" within Buddhism. Nothing more and Nothing less.


108 Forms of Defeat. 


Cubs

The Cubs have been defeated in the National League Championship Series and when the clock turns over the new year on January, 1st of 2016....the Cubs will not have won a World Series in 100 and 8 years. They have not been Champions in 108 years. They have not Won in 108 years.

The Cubs have been defeated in a multitude of fashions over the last 108 years. By "Natural Laws" which govern the Universe such as "bad luck" yet also by less divine machinations such as "human error". They have been halted to Victory by "Divine" forces as well as "Earthly" forces.

Ivan DeJesus
Billy Goats, Bartmen, Leon Durham, Ivan DeJesus, Harry Caray, Doug Dascenzo, Bleecher Bums, Ryne Sandberg, Ivy on Brick Walls, Andre Dawson, Fergie Jenkins, Hot Dogs, Fresh Air, Jerome Walton, Ron Santo, Cold Beer....and Ernie Banks. There's so many names, things, fixtures, actions, and re-actions involved in this rich 108 year history of Total Defeat.

One Hundred and Eight years of defeat....36 of which were Divine ones and 72 which would be regarded as Earthly Defeats. They have achieved all the possible variations of defeat. Through these 108 journeys along the divine path of Defeat they have faced all forms of suffering known to human man. The entity known as the Chicago Cubs is now Formless and Without Form.

They have become the Eternal Embodiment of Defeat Forever and Always. According to the Divine tenets of Buddhism they have achieved Formlessness....They exist and will continue to exist...but as...

Nothing. No-Thing. At All. Base. Ball.

Are you wondering what I'm wondering? If the Cubs through 36 divine Defeats and 72 earthly Defeats have achieved the End of Suffering and Official Nothingness....then why can we still see them? Why do they still exist? Maybe it is NOT them which have ceased to exist but something else?

I'm sure you know the answer.....but let's state it anyways.


Suffering No Longer Exists. It's Over.  

Through their 108 year journey on the 8-fold path of Defeat, the Cubs intertwined themselves with Suffering.....they became One with Suffering. They ARE Suffering. Suffering is THEM. The Cubs can be defined as Suffering and Suffering can be defined as the Cubs. These entities are now One.

When a Merger of such a magnitude takes place...only one of those Entities can come out Existing whilst the other must cease to Exist. It is the Laws of Buddhism as such...is it not?

Thus, it seems the Cubs and Suffering have Merged and yet The Cubs still exist. Does that mean what I think it does? During the 108 year Journey through Suffering on the Path of Defeat...have the Cubs simply gobbled up Suffering....like a frog would gobble up a fly? During their intertwining 108 year merging procedure.....have these two components which are part of the fabric of the Universe....Cubs and Suffering....have they somehow cancelled each other out in perfect balance?

Ladies and Gentlemen....The Cubs have Conquered Suffering. The whole notion of Suffering will now have no choice but to slowly cease and desist itself from our Universe.

Wow. That's pretty cool.


What Does This Mean For Humanity?


What does this Brave New World in which the Universal Component formally known as "Suffering" has ceased to exist and no longer applies to Any Body actually mean for all animals and bugs and humans?

I dunno.

Basically, we can all exit our homes/dwellings tomorrow, look to the sky, and say to ourselves...



"Hey. Wow, Suffering doesn't even Exist anymore. That's Wicked! Thanks Cubs."




What is a World Without Suffering? It's so part of our lives....where do we as a Universe even go from here? Who knows.

Are we Approaching a Global Era of Universal Happiness for all Living Beings? YES.

I don't know 'bout you but I'm pretty down with it. Happiness sounds fun....for a change, anyway. When you really get down to it...Suffering sort of sucks. It's not fun....at all. I'm actually pretty thankful the Cubs united themselves with Suffering after experiencing 108 forms of Defeat and through a process of osmosis somehow managed to Conquer Suffering and dispel it from all our lives.


Thank You.....and may Ivan DeJesus be with you 
(and also with You).

This Emblem represents The Infinity of Cubs Conquering Suffering

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Let's Write 'bout Video Games: Is Metal Gear the most Asinine Convoluted Video Game Story of All Time?

I don't play a lot of video games anymore, these days. I always liked the Metal Gear franchise and played the new Metal Gear game at a friend's place over the last few weeks. Playing this new one and watching youtube of the fourth game's story scenes...I've seen the whole story from 8-bit Nintender 'til now.....and I have to say that as far as writing goes....Metal Gear might very well be the silliest and most needlessly convoluted yarn ever spun.

It took almost THIRTY YEARS to tell this story and now that it's over....the only word to describe this story is: MESS. It's a big mess....but as far as video games go, is it the King of the Konvoluted? Is it the most asinine story ever told in video games?

We're gonna look at three video game scripts that can be regarded as the most convoluted nonsense of all time and then we'll see if Metal Gear is really the King of Konvulution.


Notes before we Start

1. I read a lot of material and am always interested in text heavy business. A lot of video games are some of the most text-heavy things I've ever dealt with. A lot of games over the years are pretty epic stories that are basically like 30 hour movies or books. This article is more about writing than anything else and focuses on story telling...it is about video games but NOT the gameplay of the video games but the story telling of them. Like, Metal Gear on PS1 is probably one of the greatest games ever game-play wise....I'm not looking at that....I'm just talking about stories of the games and the stories being bad....but not the games themselves.

2. I haven't had a console since PlayStation 2...so I mean...I haven't dealt with games since like the early 2000s....I'm sure there's been stupider stories in video games in the last decade but I wouldn't really know or be able to comment on that. These following three entries are mainly from the 90s and early 2000s....I don't know much about the last dozen years of video games so I can't comment.


Convoluted and Asinine Stories. Which was the Worstest?

Probably gonna have a lot of spoilers in here, I dunno though, I might just call it bad in a variety of ways....I don't even know how to wrap my head around some of these stories let alone write about them.


1. Metal Gear: The Entire Series

I don't even wanna get into this story....like, where the hell do you even start? The twist and turns this story has taken over the last 25 years have ranged from nonsensical to needless to pointless to un-necessary.

Explaining this story to someone is just not possible. It is not possible to explain it because it doesn't make any sense at all. The Big Boss character, The Ocelot character, every other fucking character...none of what they do seems based on any sort of concrete logic. It's like these people just do the wackiest crap yet there's 5 hours of cut scenes to try and explain why they're doing this downright NONSENSE for.

If I went back in time and played every Metal Gear game from NES to MSX to PS1 to PS2 to Now...I would honestly skip every cut scene that didn't have a chick in a bikini top in it. Paying attention to the motives behind these characters that you're engaging with in this game is simply not worth your time.

Take Ocelot....what are the motives behind what he does? Why is he doing what he does? There's cut scenes to try and explain it but it makes no sense. You had a cool character who was like an Old West Gunslinger....just fucking stick with that. He was cool from his first appearance. Try and read the Wikia Page which explains what this old gunslinger has done in this series over the last 25 years (Here). Yeah, if you read through that wikia article....that's where they took this character, this pretty cool looking gunslinger, if you read that billion word Wikia page explaining what this character has done in this series....first of all DON'T waste your time doing that....don't read that article....all you'll have is a headache after....that's all.

So Ocelot hypnotized himself to believe he had the brain of the man who's arm he replaced his amputated arm with? Why did he hypnotize himself into thinking he was this person? Was there any conceivable reason as to why? No. Not at all. Nothing this character does makes even A LICK of sense. Ever. The motives behind what this character does is far fetched to the point where you just play these through these stories to laugh at them.

So Big Boss, the villain from the first two games and who you get to play as in one of the PS2 games...let me get this straight now....never mind....I don't want to get this straight. The new plot twist in the Big Boss character in the new game is simply one of the dumbest things I've seen anyone do in a story before. If you play to the ending in Metal Gear V, you'll be treated to what is likely the dumbest ending in any story that's ever been told. If you think the pointless twists in Night Shamalan movies are out of nowhere...the ending of MGV is out of further than nowhere...it's out of whole cloth. The escape from the hospital part and that motor cycle scene has got to be the dumbest thing I've seen on a screen in long time.  Pointless, needless nonsense. Pointless needless nonsense to the utmost degree.

I have a feeling the maker of these games is getting sick of them and is just purposely making dumb stories on purpose. No one trying to do a good job would sit down and think up something like that.

I wonder if the story team has an editor or something like that. I bet it's like there's an editor who goes back and reads these scripts and says things like.....


"Wait, this makes too much sense this part....can you try and throw some pointless nonsensical crap in here? Maybe some random silliness or some dumb shit just so it's not so plausible? This is making too much easy-to-follow sense in this section you have to fix that. Pronto."

"This character is pretty normal...can you like make them retarded? Maybe this character can graft another character's arm onto his stump and then somehow hypnotize himself to believe he's that other character for no apparent reason? Can we change it to that? Okay, great, thanks. What? Of course he can hypnotize himself....he's a master interrogator...everyone knows interrogator's can self-hypnotize themselves!"

"Hmmmm....what if Big Boss was actually a generic soldier dude from some dumb helicopter...that way we can clean up a plot hole from 1988 where Big Boss came back from the dead? Remember in one of those games back in the 80s? Big Boss was like a big robot at the end of the game or something? He was supposed to be dead but we forgot about that....so how about we fix that plot hole from 30 years ago by making Big Boss actually just some random guy on a helicopter that was in one of the other games? That makes sense, no?"

This game didn't need a Bizarro-Editor it needed an Editor-Editor. 


Okie Dokie so.....From what I've ingested from this series over the last three decades...I've narrowed it down to this.......Big Boss is either:


A) Sean Connery














B) A Gigantic Purple Robot














C) A Pretty Cool Looking Guy Solid Snake was Cloned From










D) Some Random Person who very Briefly Spoke to You on a Helicopter 










One of those four people/robots is Big Boss. I guess in the end, now that Metal Gear is sown up shut after almost 30 years....it is now up to us to decide which of these four we want to be Big Boss. For me it's between Snake Eater and the Gigantic Purple Robot and my heart is telling me Big Boss is the Gigantic Purple Robot.

Wow. It's hard to understand the Big Boss character when you can't even narrow down WHAT he his let alone who he is.



2. Final Fantasy 8

I have a brain-ache just thinking about Metal Gear....but the thesis was to throw down 3 of the silliest stories in video games and decide whether Metal Gear is in fact the silliest of all time. Next on the list is the horrendous story from the hit 90s game...Final Fantasy 8.

I used to really like these Final Fantasy games. The one where you run around as Cecil, Yang, Edge, Rose, Rydia, Cid, and that Spoony Bard was a fucking GOOD game...the one where you suplex trains with Sabin, and whip shurikens with Shadow and Quadra Slice monsters and go super-saiyan with Terra....that game was AMAZING. The one where Mr. T and a chain smokin' guy who swears and a hot chick have to run around....that one was fucking AWESOME.

Then came Final Fantasy 8...the biggest stupidest mess. This game turned me off to the series big time and with good reason. The story telling is downright atrocious. You could see it starting in the previous Seventh installment though too....like that scene where Cloud tells you what happened with Seph-a-Fool in that spooky mansion and reactor. Also there's a part where you have to go through Cloud's Magicant mind with Tifa and it just WON'T END! ARRRGH. You're in his dumb emo-mind for like a fucking hour! Those two story telling scenes in Seven were very hard to get through. Forget beating Emerald Weapon, forget beating Ruby...the hardest part of FF7 was listening to that emo-jerkoff Cloud tell stories.

I remember there was an option in one of those story scenes in FF7 where Barret was all like, "yo, fool...I pity this story let's get outta here!" and then an option variable comes up for you. You think you can skip the story by agreeing with Barret there...BUT NOOOOO...Barret leaves but everyone else STAYS and the fucking stupid story continues. Why couldn't I run away from the story like Barret did?

Fuck. Anyways...Final Fantasy 7, despite two awful emo story scenes, was still a SICK-AS-FUCK good video game.

But Final Fantasy 8? No way Jose. The emo seeds that were planted in 7 blossomed in 8....with a lead character so un-likeable that even Sabin suplexing him on his head 5000 times wouldn't wake this jabroni up out of his emo coma. Not just the lead but NO CHARACTER is likeable in this shitty game.

Remember 8 years ago in grade school? OH YA!
The coup-de-gras in 8....is when all these stupid annoying teenage hipster emo shitballs gather around for one of those extended story unraveling scenes (where you sit and press X for like 20 minutes while they talk to each other)....and all of a sudden these emo kids that you've been running around forests and towns with for the last 20 hours....all just happen to suddenly realize they all knew each other in grade school.

???????????

After 20 hours of game play of these horrible little teens being around each other....they all just collectively seem to have remembered that they all knew each other in not just their Muppet years but in their Muppet-Baby years too? They all grew up in the same orphanage except they all just conveniently forget...until....they all feel like collectively remembering and reminiscing for 20 full minutes at the player's expense?

That's All Star level writing stupidity. In all stories ever told that moment in FF8 is very likely the dumbest thing ever done in story telling. It has to be. Fuck. How in post editing could someone have not stepped up and said..."Hey story team....you know this is fucking retarded as shit, right?"

That happens about mid-game and it's all down hill from there. These teens in FF8 are the most unlikeable, ill-conceived, and downright stupid characters in any video game....ever.

Two of these characters then have the NERVE to fall in love and engage in extended romantic scenes including one vomit-inducer where they float through space together but with only one air supply for the both of them. Aaaaaaaw, how romantic!

Shutup, Air Supply. Just shut the fuck up, Air Supply.

You gotta watch these bozos float "romantically" through space for like 10 minutes....and all you really want to do in this game is DUEL-glitch some gremlins and shit and drop some Ifrits on some goblins.

Final Fantasy 8 sucks. It was a very very bad game.


3. Chrono Cross

Final entry coming up here! It's the sequel to one of the fucking greatest video games EVER... I'm talking about Chrono Trigger! Ya!

Back in 19-whatever-dee-7 everyone was flipping out over a sequel to Chrono Trigger...the most beautiful game. Everyone was flippin' out....and what did we get? Chrono Cross...the biggest fucking mess of a thing you've ever even seen!

Look, this is only covering Story and nothing else. Like with Metal Gear who had amazing gameplay but a bad story....Chrono Cross had pretty cool graphics and really good music....but an awful story.

Man the music in this game was fucking good. Very relaxing-ass music, for sure. The story though? It's a big big big big MESS.

 It's a BIG MESS. It's really MESSED UP.


Like, Metal Gear, I don't even know where to start with why it's a mess....it's like Jello....I can't even mentally grab on to something to start with and get going with this mess of a jello of a story.

First off, all the beloved characters from the greatest game Chrono Trigger? Dead. They all died. How? Some un-interesting half-cat half-man Cat-Man killed them all before the story even starts. They're dead. I think only the robot from Trigger wasn't killed by Cat-Man...I think he died by turning himself into a virus or something and tried to poison time. I don't know. I actually really don't know...this game makes no sense.

To help it make less sense...there's like 300 characters....most of them playable characters....yet the backstory applied to these 300 characters is minimal to non-existent. Most serve no purpose to the story...they're just there.....in your party....and you don't even know why. At least straw voodoo man, the fungus man, and the mexican wrestler guy look pretty cool....but I have no idea what purpose they serve to the story at all.

If telling you all the old characters from Trigger are dead (as an aside mid-game), and then replacing them with 300 pointless characters wasn't enough to make you wonder where the fuck they're going with this sequel....they throw something else to make it even whackier.....they make you play in two worlds...each identical to each other....one dimension where you do exist and one where you don't...and you got to back and forth through these two worlds trying to remember what's different in these two identical worlds. They did this gimmick in Dragon Quest 6 too....and it wasn't a good gimmick then either.

Just trying to remember this game is confusing. It's so fucking dumb. Playing it was even more confusing. They try and help you out and explain the story to you at one point in the game...using ghosts from Chrono Trigger....and it really feels like the writer is trying to tell the reader something along the lines of....


"Ya Player, I know this game is retarded and makes no sense and....um....well....uh....you remember that Flame thing from the castle part in the world where you don't exist? It was ummmm....it has to do with a Spanish guy named Miguel and Miguel is like a bad guy I think....and......uhhhh....I don't remember what I wrote but...here, wait a sec Player....I'll put some ghost children versions of characters that I killed off to explain it to you....okay? You understand now? Great, let's keep going!"


These Ghost-Kids of killed off Characters will help explain!
You know your story makes no sense when the writer has to stop mid-game to try his best to explain to you just what the fuck is going on here in this mess of yarn. That ghost child explanation part was more than just a head-scratcher....it felt like the writer was apologizing to the reader for how stupid his/her story was.

Like Metal Gear going back to fill plot holes that make no sense...Squaresoft re-released Chrono Trigger on the PS1 after Cross was released and they tried to sew up the holes in Cross by adding a silly CG movie to the re-release of Trigger. Seems that little back-water village with five buildings from Trigger becomes a super-army nation in like 2 years...and that town literally murders everyone in Guardia is what the cut scene suggested....and ya, it makes no sense. It's like trying to fix a pot hole in the road by dumping shampoo in it instead of cement. Trying to fix Cross's plot holes is not something ANYONE should attempt doing....there's no way to fix those....there's nothing you can do to fix that because it's fucking nonsense....total nonsense.

Chrono Cross's story was a new level of Mess.....I don't think anything can approach how convoluted this game's story was.


Conclusion

Is Metal Gear the most convoluted and downright stupid video game story ever unraveled? Hmmmmm........no, it's not.

Metal Gear is a special kind of silly that, at times, I think Kojima did on purpose. I think he may have been influenced by Takeshi Kitano and Shigesato Itoi....and similar to them....he tried to be annoying and over-the-top on purpose in these games.

Compared to games like Final Fantasy 8, and Chrono Cross...there's no way Metal Gear is the most convoluted and silly story ever told. So it's between Eight and Cross....and....Eight is just plain bad...like awful stupid and bad.....but Cross? Cross is legit convoluted as fuck. I don't even think that Masato Kato himself really even knew what the heck he was writing...he just kept going and going hoping the nonsense would just string together somehow.

All things considered...out of games I've played (there's probably hundreds of dumb stories in games I haven't played by-the-way)...Chrono Cross is the most Needlessly Convuluted Video Game Story of All Time!

Look, Hideo Kojima, and Metal Gear staff. Let's be serious for moment....Metal Gear has provided a lot of people with S++ caliber entertainment for almost 30 years. Even if the story telling in Metal Gear is Top 3 most convoluted of all time....this series may still very likely be the greatest ever in the entire history of video games. The Metal Gear Solid on PS1 is very likely the greatest game of all time....all things considered. The staff and people responsible for the Metal Gear series should be very proud of themselves for the close to 30 years of entertainment they've created.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Crime and Punishment: Too Much Media Attention for Losers Who Kill People?

Does the media give too much fame and attention to the lives of losers and cowards who murder innocent people? Yes they do.


Personal Pre-Amble

Gonna start with a personal observation from my life experience pool before anything else on this topic.

One time I attended a sporting event where a fan ran onto the field in a leopard skin speedo and started to steal the bases on the baseball field at Olympic Stadium. I was laughing and it only lasted about a minute or so.

When I got home I was expecting to see it talked about and shown in the post game reports or on ESPN or TSN or whatever...but interestingly NO ONE even mentioned it.

Why?

Because bodies like the NFL and MLB have a strict no broadcast rule for people running onto fields. They don't put the cameras on them during live broadcasts and do not talk about them in news reports on the event afterwards. That's official written-in-stone policy for most if not all sporting bodies.

The reasoning is simple. If people at home see this behavior talked about or promoted on TV...they will see it as a way to gain fame and notoriety for themselves and copy the behavior. Thus, these fans who engage in shenanigans on the playing field ARE NEVER RECORDED ON VIDEO OR MENTIONED EVER AGAIN.

It works too. It's increasingly rare to see anyone do this behavior anymore. There's no more Kissing Bandits or leopard skin speedo jabronies running on fields like in the 80s and 90s. In the 80s they promoted the behavior of the "Kissing Bandit" and it became a method of becoming famous. Streakers were huge in the 90s.....we don't see many streakers anymore either. Mainly because they aren't given attention if they streak these days.

The ban on giving attention to fans who rush the field has 100% worked. It is very rare to see this behavior now a days.


Attention Directed at Stupid Fucking Loser Nobodies who Murder Innocent People

Why did they do it? Who were they? What did their friends and family have to say about why they did it? Blah blah blah blah blah. They talk about these losers for MONTHS at a time.

Why stop at talking about them? Why not make a stupid fucking movie about them too? Make them some mis-understood protagonist or some fucking bullshit in a made-for-tv-movie about their dumb and stupid lives. On and on and on...

....we'll actually probably never stop hearing about these stupid fucking nobodies. We're gonna here about this Oregon loser now for the next two years. It's friggin' ridiculous.

There should be a federal ban on this type of reporting. If you make these people into famous mis-understood heroes and give them the fame and notoriety they are seeking...then you're creating a climate where this behavior is being promoted to other isolated maniacs.

If next school shooting the report went like this:

"A Coward and loser, who will remain unnamed due to publication ban, killed innocent people and himself today. You can donate money to victims families at this following address. Our thoughts are with the deceased." -(hypothetical news report)

No photo of the loser, no name, no nothing. No fame, no glory, no anything. Doesn't that make more sense? No made-for-TV-movie, no in-depth report on his motives or whatever was going through his stupid head. No notoriety of any kind attached to that person....AT ALL.

Now in the case that the assailant is not deceased after the attack this ban obviously could not be applied. The public has to know if there are maniacs on the loose...and in the case where they are put behind bars...the public has a right to know the crimes committed by an individual if they are ever released back into the public. This hypothetical ban would only apply to assailants who were deceased after the incident.

If a man-hunt is on for a un-apprehended criminal then this hypothetical ban would obviously not be in-place. Wanna make it clear it would only be if the assailant died in the incident.

Conclusion

If a loser murders innocent people....and also dies in the incident...the name of that person and photographs of him (or her....chicks can be serial killers too) will not be allowed in the press in order to not attribute fame to an individual for dubious reasons.

Makes sense? No?

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Montreal Baseball Fever is Mounting....and Will Likely Continue to Mount like Crazy

The Red Sox (one of the BIGGEST teams in baseball) is on board for what seems to be becoming a tradition of the Blue Jays hosting exhibition games on April 1st and 2nd at Montreal's Olympic Stadium...the ex-home of the Ex-Expos.

Baseball Legend, Cro, with owner and president of Red Sox
The official spokesman for the return of the Expos to Montreal, Mr. Warren Cromartie, President of the Montreal Baseball Project was in Boston a few weeks ago finalizing details to get the Red Sox to barn storm north of the boarder to the barren baseball-less city of Montreal where fans really want that baseball back. His mission seems successful as the Red Sox organization was excited at the idea of coming here to play some good ol' ball games.

We had the Mets come play here in 2014, where both teams honored the life of Gary Carter. They also invited the roster of the 1994 Expos to the pre-game ceremony and everyone collectively flipped out to see those dudes again.

Vlad, The OC, and the Mayor in 2015
We had the Reds come play two games here in 2015, Tony Perez and others came to hang before the game....but during the second game....VLAD showed up....and everyone collectively flipped again. Tim Wallach's son got to dress for that game for the Reds and got to see his dad's old stomping grounds and the fans gave a standing ovation to Chad Wallach because they remembered and liked his dad so much. It was fun, it was good, everyone had a good time at it.

In 2016, thanks to Cromartie's trip to Boston, it is 100% confirmed that the team coming to the Big O next year will surely be the Boston Red Sox. The Red Sox are very popular here in Montreal...mainly I think due to their championship seasons and it probably has a lot to do with Pedro "sharing his ring" with us when he won one with the Sox.

Pedro back at Big O (circa 1999)
I remember the first time I saw the Red Sox at the Big O, it was 1999 and interleague play was still a new fangled thing-a-ma-bob. The pitcher at the game I was at for the Sox was none other than Pedro Martinez, the guy who won the only Cy Young in Expos history for Montreal two years prior in 1997. We friggin' crushed Pedro in that game (box here)...well he only gave up 4 runs over 6 innings...we crushed Mark Portugal and Mark Guthrie more than we did Pedro. I remember that game, I even remember where I was sitting and everything. It happened like over 15 years ago too.


Things are Gettin' Nuts, Yo.

I saw baseball legend Ellis Valentine tweet something today while I was at work to a sports writer. Valentine, who comes up for these games to sit with the fans in attendance and watch the ball game and reminisce and chill and everything, tweeted that he might have to sit in the "nose-bleeds" this year round. ("Nose bleeds" refers to the altitude being so high that your nose starts bleeding. It means bad seats. It's those seats Bob Uecker sits in when he drinks Miller Lites. It's those Uecker seats).


Why? Because after being on sale for ONE SINGLE DAY....both games are almost 100% SOLD OUT. Wow. If you live in Montreal or want to travel here to watch these games you better buy your tickets right now because they went like HOT CAKES, MAN. They sold like hot cakes.

I've sat in the "400s" before over the years, I sat there for the Reds games this year...I never took no elevator as Ellis Valentine states in that tweet exists. I didn't know there was one. I always walk up those winding gray cement pathways. I actually liked doing it this year too. Walking with all the other fans and seeing all the Expos hats and shirts...seeing old people with hats and jackets that looked worn in and like they bought those Expos hats in like 1985...and seeing young kids with new shiny Expos gear. I liked being with those people. Those are my people, they really are.

Every year I write an article about these exhibition games and every year I predict that 100K will come over the course of 2 games. Both years they came close with well over 90K both times...this year we hit 96K a mere four thousand off of getting One Hundred Thousand Baseball Fans over two days.

This year I am not predicting/speculating/prognosticating 100 thousand fans...I am 100% GARAUNTEE-ING that 100K will be there over the course of two days at the Big O in 2016 for Red Sox versus Blue Jays. Mark my most humble of human words on that.

I love you, Baseball. I seriously seriously do.

I got a sinking suspicion that Pedro might be honored before one of these games. I haven't heard anything official....but there are rumors abounds that Hall of Famer and all-around legend Pedro Martinez will be back at the Big O in 2016.