Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

A Confederacy of Dunces: The Book: The Movie

I was reading on Wikipedia that there's been numerous numerous attempts to make a movie out of the the book "A Confederacy of Dunces" and yet there's never been a movie made out of it.

According to this article: "http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/hollywood/2006/12/a_conspiracy_of_dunces.html" ....

..... It appears there was a Belushi and Richard Pryor version in the works that was canned, then a John Candy version, a Chris Farley version, a Will Ferrell in a fat-suit version, and most recently a Zach Garofololohforgetit version was in the works.

All five of these versions were in development yet were never made. I wonder why there have been so many attempts to bring this piece to the big screen but all ended in failure. Who knows. Some have even applied a haunted curse on the work because so many involved with it died young.

The book itself was published after the writer, John Kennedy Toole, died young in his thirties. Belushi died very young, so did Chris Farley, and John Candy died pretty young too. People are saying the book is cursed .... and maybe it is.

Whatever it is, it's a good book, it's written well. It's a bunch of weird New Orleans characters who are tied together through certain key-events, leit-motifs, macguffins, and they are also all tied together by the buffoonery of the main character ... the super-selfish and genuinely repulsive human being ... Ignatius J. Reilly. It's good, if you like reading, you should read it.

In this article we shall look at if indeed there is a curse on this book and then we shall ponder and speculate that if someone made a 2017 attempt at this accursed tome who should play Ignatius on the big screen.


Is it Indeed an Accursed Tome?

If anyone has read this blog before who's reading this you probably know that I don't believe in various magicks, voodoos, ghosts, ghouls, ouijas, and shit. I do not believe in curses.

The only thing that could tangibly be of note is that since the writer did commit suicide and die before his book was published ... maybe people involved in working with the material get depressed over that and the whole dealings with the book feel morbid and morose. I wouldn't call that a "curse" though.

As for the young deaths of names attached to the Ignatius character. Look, some of these people didn't live the most healthy of life styles, you know? Some people's deaths are a tad more shocking than others let's say. Like when I heard the Juice Man Jack LaLanne died in the news I was like "Woah, the healthy old juice man died? Wow" ... but when someone like Sam Kinnison or someone dies you don't have that shock as much, you know? A person who lives their life drinking vegetable juice and doing jumping jacks you don't expect to die but a person who lives their life eating bacon sandwiches, washing them down with 5 eightballs of illicit cocaine, a bottle of gin, and then has 5 prostitutes for desert .... well, you aren't wicked surprised when you read in the news that they sprung off their mortal coil.

Guys like Farley, and Belushi? They are more in the Kinnison boat than the Jack LaLanne boat, let's say. When your idea of fun is eating non-stop, drinking non-stop, doing hard drugs non-stop, and banging whores non-stop ... it's gonna eventually catch up to you. I don't think many people were super shocked to read either of these two icons died to be honest. I'm gonna guess it was their lifestyle that killed them young and not the fact that they were booked or rumored to play Ignatius J. Reilly in a movie.

John Candy
As for John Candy? He wasn't as hard core as these two but he was a big dude too so dying of a massive heart attack is not uncommon for a 320 pound man to die in this fashion. I do not think his name being rumored or attached to a Confederacy project led to his early demise.

Will Ferrell and Zach Garafalalawhocares are both still alive so only 3/5 people attached to the character even died to begin with ... as much as 40% of the people tied to the Ignatius character are still alive today as only 60% of them actually died young.

So is there a curse around this comedic tome of the ages? No, there's not. It seems 40% of them didn't even die and the 60% that did can be explained by the fact that party animals don't tend to live into their salad or twilight years.

Is it cursed? No.



Well Then, Who in the Comedic World Could do A Decent Ignatius on the Big Screen?

Alright so will there be another attempt to bring this good book to the big screen? Probably. The question is who would be able to bring the Ignatius character to life.

Art is subjective and everything. One's man's caca is another man's golden caca, y'know? For me, just personally, I don't see Zach G. as Ignatius working ... I don't. I watched the first Hangover and it was funny and Zach is okay in it ... but I'm not gonna watch the ten remakes of it that came after though, one is enough. He's funny but this person is not an Ignatius. He's just not.

Selfish unlikeables over the years like George Constanza and others are departure points for the character but I don't see George Costanza on Seinfeld as meeting the Ignatius criteria either. I mean, yes, George was a selfish horrible butthole but he's still not an Ignatius-level selfish horrible butthole.

I dunno, who can pull it off?

Who's fat these days? Pinette died (RIP), Ralphie May is of the plus sized variety, Artie's quite large, there's a Mexican guy working who's fat too, Louie Anderson is still around here and there, Jim Gaffigan's pretty fat, Danny Devito is short but also fat .... hmmmmmm, none of them are Ignatius though.

What about a female cast as Ignatius? They do that in Hollywood all the time now, I think it's "rule 63" the young people are calling it. Like they will cast a 13 year old Estonian girl to play Iron Man in the next Iron Man movie just to make a point or something. Could Igantius be portrayed by a woman in a fake moustache and green hunting cap? Who's fat in the female world of comedy these days? Amy Schumer's ... wait ... you can't just call ladies "fat" now a days ... Amy Schumer's uhhhh, retaining a little water these days ... but even with a fake 'stache and green hat I can't visualize her as an Ignatius.

Hmmm. I guess there's no one.

Or is there?

I was watching the new season of that show Silicon Valley the other day (which is good this year as Jiang Yang is getting more air time and Gavin Belson is like seriously up to something, man) .... and it was a scene which was not a central scene to the plot and was kind of neither here nor there of the Erlich character selling dope to the Monica character so she can frame some evil Chinese jock at her workplace. Erlich, played by TJ Miller was doing his lines, and it's his enunciation of every sillible of every word. It's just ..... there's something there. I know it .... this person's enunciation and delivery of words is Ignatius caliber.

Est tu Ignatius ??
The scene ends with him looking at the camera and saying ".....I said that? Well, I say a lot of things." The delivery of this line was the most Ignatius like demeanor ever recorded. I honestly believe that. It was a line in response to the Monica character telling him she went on this crazy stratagem over something he told her the other day. The Erlich character drives the story through these buffoonish selfish acts, and the way Miller delivers and enunciates his lines? It's him, THAT'S HIM. That is Ignatius J. Reilly .... It is.

But is T.J. Miller fat enough? No, not exactly but he's not far off. I read that Mac character on Always Sunny in Philly gained like 60 pounds just to be fat in one season of that show. I thought when I watched that season that Mac just got fat by accident but he didn't ... that Mac fat on Always Sunny was method acting! Wow.

If Mac can gain like 60 pounds than Miller could too I bet. He's not in the Ignatius weight division as it stands now and fat suits are dumb. He'd need around 60 to 80 pounds of method acting to do it.

There's other people a modern Confederacy movie would work with, but, I really think there's something there with this actor ... I think he's Ignatius caliber.



Conclusion

Is Confederacy a good book? Yes, it's a wonderfully presented text, I do say, Yes indeed.

Is it an accursed tome? No, it is not accursed in the least, I do say. No siree.

Is Zach Garafalo a good pick for Ignatius? No. 
  
Who in the acting sphere as of May 31st of 2017 meets the criterion to be able to act like Ignatius? My own personal opinion from seeing scenes of him on Silicon Valley is T.J. Miller. He's sort of an Ignatius-like character on the show already who's buffoonish selfish nature tends to drive various aspects of the story ... but it's not that ... it's the embellished soliloquys mixed with the extra ordinarily pompousness of the enunciation of sillibles that qualifies him.

Ignatius is lost in his own over-educated liberal arts moron world in this book, to do this character you need a guy who can just turn away from the other character and just look directly into the camera and do an overly enunciated elongated soliloquy and then turn back to the character of which he's engaging like nothing happened.

There's times I watch  Silicon Valley and think ... that's him, Miller can do Ignatius. I truly believe that.

Then again what do I know? I don't watch a lot of modern shit in the art media world. Like I watch old awful movies on youtube, old wrestling from before I was born like Dick Murdoch vs. Special Delivery Jones, and shit. I don't know much about the current affairs of the work-a-day modern art media world.

The only stuff I really watch that's "new" these days is Mike Tyson Mysteries, Ash vs. Evil Dead, I started the new season of Silicon Valley now as mentioned, Dragon Ball Super, and the the Dr. Steve Brule show ... that's about it of new shit I watch so I don't know all the best people operating these days probably.




*End Note: By the way, Back when I read the book I read it in Rik Mayall's voice because it fit so well for what my brain could connect to. I read Igantius in like a "People's Poet" voice. Rik died young too. He died in like a vehicle crash though so it's not curse related.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Best Tag Team Finishers

It's Sunday, I should write something down. My humanly Writing Tools are getting pretty rusty ... like if I don't do it for like a month or two I will like forget how to do this stuff. If I don't do it for like a month and then try, I'll be sittin' there in front of the blank white page and be all like "What the Hell, Man?"

It's actually quite hard to ravenously throw down black characters onto a blank white slate. I hear Pro Writers say sometimes that they get "writers block" like a constipation but for writing ...  I can see how that's possible.

Similar to anything else in life you gotta keep at it to get better and you gotta keep doing it to stay sharp ... so ... to wash the rust off my Writing Skills .... here is my presentation to All Parties of Whom are Interested to Know this:

THE GREATEST TAG TEAM FINISHING SUPER MOVES FROM ANY MEDIUM OF ALL TIME.


The only rules for this tournament is that there are no rules. It can be a Tag Team Finisher from any medium of entertainment. Actually, there will be one rule and that's that there will be a limit of One move per source. So, for example Chrono Trigger was loaded with wicked wicked tag team moves but it'd be dumb to just list like 10 cool moves from that video game. Y'Know?

I am now gonna start slamming down keys and entries ... I'll tally it all up and make the Official Leader Board at the end of this thing.

Let's get Started ..... Now:

Wait, hold the phone, maybe not everyone knows what this crap is so let's Term Define it out quick,


Term Define: Tag Team Finishers

This is a fighting move which combines the input and skills from two or more individuals to form increasingly powerful combination attacks. Once two singular moves are combined they thus become greater than the sum of their whole ... they become ... More Better.


Okay, Now let's get started ..... Now,

No wait, I might as well provide the inspiration that lead me to have the idea to sit down and write about tag team finishers.


What Got me Thinking about Writing This:

I was watching Dragon Ball Super which after the first two pretty bland story arcs (I wasn't crazy about the Purple Goku one either) is starting to get pretty cool... the show is hitting its stride and getting pretty cool. The next arc is a big ass 80 Man tag team Battle Royale ... it's gonna be like that Survivor Series where like 100 guys were standing on the apron. Yo, Dragon Ball Super is getting pretty buck, like word.

Dragon Ball was good from the original series all the way to about the Cell Saga in "Z". I stopped really liking that show around the end of the Cell Saga where like everything started to get a bit boring. I don't even remember the Buu one ... and that garbage nonsense "GT" made no fucking sense ... but yo, Dragon Ball Super is pretty buck and I like it.

Anyways, Piccolo and Gohan were like training in the mountains and eating dinosaurs like it was 1989 again and reminiscing about Old Times when Gohan says to Piccolo, he says, that they should come up with a Combination attack ... and I was like ... Word. Dragon Ball with Combination Tag Super Moves is a GENIUS idea! It is. I LOVE tag team finishers. I'm not even joking, like WORD to your MOMS tag team finishers drop BOMBS and if they put them in Dragon Ball ... forget about it ... it's gonna rule.

Okay, that's why I got Tag Finishers on the brain ... now, Let's Get Started Now,

The finalists are:



The Bush Whacker's Patented Battering Ram:

Wrestling has had some cool tag team finishers like when Ax would hold a guy in a back breaker clutch-hold and Smash would jump from the top turnbuckle and elbow the idiotic opponent in the face ... thus breaking the guy's back and his face at the same time ... but that move is peanuts compared to the Power which was unleashed by the Bush Whackers patented Tag Team Finisher, behold Ladies and Gentlemens, The Battering Ram:



It's in there, you might as well watch the whole video, there's some cool stuff in there like them making cheese, eating extra large 12 foot long hogies, and puking on each other and shit. The Battering Ram is in there somewhere or other.

Basically, Butch put his cousin Luke's head into a standard headlock and then both propelled their legs, which when combined gave them the Power of Four Legs (instead of two) charging Luke's Head into the idiotic opponent. No one got up from that, no one, not Barry Horrowits, not the Brooklyn Brawler, not Maxamillian Moon .... no one got up from this finisher.

It's simple but effective and it melded seamlessly into their act/stage-show ... they would frangle about the ring licking people, biting people's butt cheeks, and hollering buffooneries ... and this was the setup that lead in to the piece-de-resistance ... the Battering Ram which not only combined Butch's and Luke's leg strength but also combined their comedic skills into their wrestling skills. The Ram was the perfect cherry to put on the top of their perfect Double Fudge Sunday of a match.

I respect the Bush Whackers with many fibers of my heart, no doubt.


Raw Power: 76
Finesse: 74
Aesthetics: 79

Overall: 76



Crono, Frog, and Robo's TRIPLE RAID:

Word to your Mom, Lemme drop a Bomb!
When I first saw Lucca throw a buncha fire into Crono's Cyclone sword whirl .... forget it ... I almost flipped my lid and ran screaming out of the house. It was called a "Dual Tech" and holy moly a la macaroni was it friggin' COOOOOOL. Word to your MOMS on Mother's Day (today) it was cool. The "Fire Whirl" was the first Dual Tech most people would learn in the game, I think, if memory serves me right, so chances are many many people flipped out to it like yours truly.... but ....

.... forget about Dual Techs, that shit is for BABIES. If you flipped for a dopey Dual Tech wait until your party learns a TRIPLE Tech. Yo.

I remember learning my first Triple Tech like it was yesterday. I was in Magus's Castle and then all of the suddens it writes on the screen "You Learned Triple Tech, Triple Raid" ... and I was like .... "a what?" .... "a TRIPLE TECH!? GET THE HELL OUTTA TOWN!"

In this Triple Tech, Frog and Chrono start by doin' the tried-tested-and-mother-approved bread and butter Dual Tech "X Strike" but it doesn't end there, people. IT DOESN'T END THERE! After Cro and Fro rip the enemy asunder in a X-like pattern, guess what? My boy, Ro, winds up a Robo Tackle and SMASHES into the idiotic opponent! Man alive, as if X Strike wasn't enough ... it literally became a TRIPLE RAID! Unreal.

I flipped. 100% Flipped.

My Heart ... it just Stopped.
Magus is the mid-boss of that game, and I was in his castle just MASHING THE CLUB UP! MASHING HIS CRIB UP with those TRIPLE RAIDS! I was mashing that pasty-face Magus's club up, like word. If I was outta magic or one guy was confused then I'd let loose a coupla Bubble Snaps or maybe a couple Spin Cuts ... who me? I don't give a fuck. I do not care or am scared of some ghosts in some haunted pasty-man castle. Forget about it. I WAS MASHING THE CLUB UP, ASUNDERS!

Man, I was in school back in Le Day when this Masterpiece was out and I was learning that junior algebra shit. Everything in those silly Mathematics Exercise Books was hokey stuff like "Solve for X", ya right, you think I'm gonna solve for any X after learning Triple Raid there Math class? Word to your mom, NO WAY JOSE. You never caught me in no math class solving for no X, no siree, Woo-eeeeee, I was up in those exercise Hilroy copy books drawing ROBO smashing into all the Xs I was supposed to be solving for. Smashing the math book up! WORD! No math book can tell me what to solve for, funk that .... those Xs were uncompleted X-Strikes, that's all they were! They needed a Robot to smash into them Xs and make Triple Raids outta 'em. I even imagined in the sound effects whilst drawing robots all over my math book Xs ... Triple Raid sound effects all like SLISH - SLASH - KURTAW - KUURRRR - PAAAAATOOW!

My Math book loooked COOL back in Le Day. Word up.

Raw Power: 88
Finesse: 86
Aesthetics: 87

Overall: 87



Gantetsu, Bolgan, and Long-Chan Chan's Disco Inferno Bald Headed Seizure Nonsense Technique:

People always say that Video Games aren't literature ... but very idiotic people like that have never like sat down and played a game like Earthbound, or Final Fantasy VI, or Chrono Trigger ... and those morons have surely never sat down and played Suikoden I, II, or III.

The stories of the Suikoden games are just down-right well presented and I would describe them as wonderful, yet, we are not here today to be talking about the stories of the Suikoden games ... we are bringing Suikoden into this article because it has one of the silliest Tag Finishers these eyes of mine have ever laid into.

Male Pattern DISCO INFERNO!!!!
Not to get into the story, I'll just describe the move. In your band of 108 heroes you have three of whom which happen to be bald. Yes, they have shiny, no-hair-having heads, which sit atop their necks ... and if these three baldinies are in your fighting party at the same time they can combine the power of their bald heads to create a disco inferno which then morphs into a liquid-plasmic seizure inducing light show which ultimately culminates in every idiotic monster on screen dying like a big idiot.

Side Note: I have a bone to pick with that Gantetsu, because I read the books this series of games is inspired from (Outlaws of the Marsh) and that brother Gantetsu is obviously based on the Sagacious brother himself Mr. Lu Da .... and if you're gonna do a Lu Da character then that mammer jammer should be MASHING UP the CLUB like word to your mom. They made this character a Mage who sits in the back row and uses his 108 beads to like cast ghosts out ... man, he should have been wielding that iron cudgel like Lu Da did in the book and just mash idiots to pieces. I can't stay mad at Gantetsu though, because you have to push him like a sumo wrestler to recruit him (which is cool) and if you put him with Bolgan and Long-Chan Chan he can become 1/3 of a force of Bald Men so Powerful that they become a walking drug induced rave party ... which I must confess is the type of thing that Dreams are Made of.

Raw Power: 66
Finesse: 71
Aesthetics: 108 (limit breaker)

Overall: 82




Black Hole and Pentagon's What The Hell is Going On:

 
May we Sloooooow da tiiiii-hiiiime!

Ah yes, what list of this nature could claim to be in completion without first visiting the Tag Team finisher of the tag team known as the Four Dimensional Killer Combo who participated in one of the grandest of Tag Team Tournaments ... the Tournament Mountain Tag Team Tournament ... which started when an internal under-sea volcano erupted and jettisoned a new mountain range onto the earth's surface ... one that came complete with a wrestling ring and an ancient trophy to be awarded to the tag team which reigned supreme on Tournament Mountain.

I should explain these two pro-wrestler/super-men's super skills before explaining what their Tag Finisher entails.

Black Hole started out in Buffalo Man's stable of Super Men / Wrestlers who were banished from earth for their brutal ways (by means of getting locked in a giant roach motel and being shot into outer space). He's one of the original Devil Super Men ... and since he was born in the bermuda triangle he has the power of the Black Hole. Black Hole has a big hole in his face that leads to a cold and eternal void. His theme song is pretty good.

His Theme Song: The Bermuda Mystery

As for the Pentagon Man, he is a super man made by the Pentagon in the USA and wasn't a big deal on this show ... mainly acting as a jabroni to Wars Man in the Olympic Games story arc. The Russian super man known as the WarsMan carves him up pretty easy. Personally, knowing how retarded this show is, I honestly don't think Pentagon is his original name ... I think he was changed to Pentagon Man after the company told the authors of the work that he can't go by his original name which I believe was The Flying Jew Man. That's just a theory though and I can't prove that to be true. His powers is he can fly around like a bird man and he can spin his Jew Star to make time stop momentarily (which proves to be annoying in the Tag Tournament for his opponents). His theme song is good too, I love the english chorus of "May Weeeee Slooooooooow the Tiiiiiiiiiiii-Hiiiiiime!

I wish I could Stop Time myself.


Okay so, now Mr./Ms./Mrs. Reader understands that Dude A can suck things into an eternal empty void inside his face and Dude B can fly around like a gay ass bird and can also spin his face star-of-david and make time literally stop.

So, when these guys fight in the Tournament Mountain Invitational Geological Tag Team Whatever-the-Fuck-Thing Championship .... they develop a combination attack that combines their powers to create a combo that's way more better.

Sooooo..... Okay, what happens is. Um, let's see here, 

1. Black Hole disappears into the Void inside his own face which causes his idiotic opponents to run right past him and to clothes-line each other and look stupid.

2. Pentagon whilst flying around like a gay jewish bird grabs one of the idiotic opponents who is still whoozy from being clotheslined by his own tag partner.

3. Pentagon thus flies gracefully through the air, high in the sky like a bumblee bee, and then holds his opponent in a reverse german suplex and begins his ferocious descent to the ground ... but instead of smashing his opponent's head into the ground ... he SLAMS HIM INTO BLACK HOLE'S FACE whereby he disappears (forever?).

4.  Next, while the other opponent (the one not currently inside Black Hole's face) regains his composure after the botched clothesline, Pentagon STOPS TIME ITSELF to keep this interloper in his place. Then, he grabs this opponent and similar to the first one, Pentagon flies gracefully through the air upwards and then places the second of the opponents in a reverse german suplex hold ... and similarly again ... he slams him into Black Hole's face (which you remember is an empty universe to itself).

5. Now, you following so far, Black Hole jettisons both opponents that are trapped in his void/face and launches them into the air.

6. Now both Black Hole and Pentagon jump into the air, high into the sky like a bird or a plane, and then grab an opponent each .... and then ...

7. PILE DRIVE THEM SKULL FIRST INTO THE GROUND.


They do this obtuse special clutch hold power move to Kinnikuman and his partner Prince Kamehameha* ... but I can't find a clip of it to show you gentle reader ... so if you'll excuse me we'll have to settle for a demonstration of this move from a Kinnikuman video game:

- 4D Fusion -

Well, there it is. There's some other cool moves in this tournament too but I'm gonna pick 4d Fusion as the entry for the Kinnikuman series. Some other cool ones are BuffaloMan and RamenMan (the 10 Million Power Having Powers) do one where RamenMan puts BuffaloMan on his back and then bends forward so Buffalo Man's horns are facing in front of RamenMan and then he runs at a top speed, as to which I'm not sure if it's symbolism that they turn into a horned freight train or if they do transform into a freight train with horns ... either way it's pretty cool. The Muscle Brothers voltron-esque Muscle Docking tag finisher is cool too.

(*Side Note: If you're wondering why Kinnikuman was in this pairing it's because .... Kinnikuman teamed up with his original trainer the Hawaiian Super Man known as Prince Kamehameha because his long time friend Terry Man had already promised the Native American Super Man known as Geronimo he would team with him and didn't want to break his word. But since the Prince Kamehameha exceeded the age limit for the Mountain Tag Tournament he had to wear a mask similar to Kinnikuman and thus they called themselves the Muscle Brothers.

-end of Side Note.)


Raw Power: 83
Finesse: 98
Aesthetics: 84

Overall: 88



Assessment of Ratings 

Okie humanly Dokie my reader of readers (if anyone is still reading which is doubtful) let's review the assessments now!


*** 1. Black Hole and Pentagon's Insane Nonsense Flying Bird Void Thing ***

2.  Crono, Frog, and Robo's TRIPLE RAID.

3. Gantetsu, Bolgan, and Long-Chan Chan's  Disco Fever Laser Light Show Bald Guy Attack.

4. Bush Whackers Battering Ram.  


Bird Nonsense Void Thingie wins because it's Word to Moms I'm Here To Drop Bombs COOL. It barely beat Triple Raid (which I should confess has a special place in the fibers of my heart so I might have a bit of bias on the Raid, baby).


Conclusion

As for Dragon Ball Super, it rules, and if it's gonna become tag team finisher city down at this wicked-sounding Tournament of Power between the Universes ... oh my goodness .... I hope those writers and artists know what they are doing. I hope they all grew up playing Crono Trigger, and Suikoden, and watching Wrestling and Kinnikuman. I hope some of these tag finishers blow my socks offa my feet on this show! 

They did one yesterday where like Goku and Tien team up to practice against Gohan and Piccolo. Gohan fends off Goku and Tien whilst Piccolo charges up his Super Explosion Wave ... it was pretty cool. There's so many ways they can go in this 80 man Multi-Universal Battle Royal though, I'm fucking excited, I haven't liked this show since like they beat Cell in like 19-whatever-dee-7. Who knows what these fucking aliens from these other fucking universes can fucking do, you know? Maybe some dudes are gonna be throwing dudes into other dudes faces (of which said dude's face is actually another universe) for all I know.